


The Pleasure’s Pain and Fire

by lovesnarf (snarfette)



Series: A Perfect Match, Perfect Somehow [1]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Based on season 2 episode 10, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, and following episodes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2019-11-08 18:25:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17986337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarfette/pseuds/lovesnarf
Summary: Matt groaned and pushed back against him. “Hmm...morning,” he said quietly, his voice gravelly with sleep.“Morning,” Kelly replied before he rubbed his nose between Matt’s shoulder blades and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck.Matt sighed softly. “I could wake up like this every morning.”Kelly hummed in agreement. He wouldn’t mind either. Waking up to Matt every day sounded like something from a perfect dream.





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’m back. I’m hooked on writing for these two! 
> 
> This is based on season 2 episode 10 and the aftermath, but obviously Kelly being the one worried about Matt and not Dawson. I wanted some hurt Casey, protective, worried Severide, and some decent follow up from those episodes. I know we got Casey with his memory troubles but I wanted to see Severide being involved. 
> 
> This is set before my previous fic ‘Leap of Faith’ and shows an earlier stage of their relationship. 
> 
> Title (which was previously ‘Meant for one another, come a little closer’) from Sia’s, ‘Fire Meet Gasoline’ which is also where the title of this series of Sevasey fics has come from.

He was so comfortable: warm and content and happy to wake up slowly. Kelly’s eyelids fluttered open and he saw the blond hair at the nape of Matt’s neck right in front of his face. Smiling softly to himself, he pressed himself closer to the other man, spooning up behind him so their bodies were flush together, his arm draped over Matt’s stomach to hold him.

Matt mumbled a little in his sleep and then wriggled back slightly, like he wanted them to be closer still. Kelly’s arm tightened around his waist as the movement of Matt’s body rubbed his ass against Kelly’s already hardening cock. He couldn’t help but move his own hips, just seeking a little friction.

Matt groaned and pushed back against him. “Hmm...morning,” he said quietly, his voice gravelly with sleep.

“Morning,” Kelly replied before he rubbed his nose between Matt’s shoulder blades and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck.

Matt sighed softly. “I could wake up like this every morning.”

Kelly hummed in agreement. He wouldn’t mind either. Waking up to Matt every day sounded like something from a perfect dream. The man was everything Kelly wanted: gorgeous, funny, brave, headstrong and stubborn, and one of Kelly’s best friends.

“I could get on board with that idea,” he murmured, his breath tickling Matt’s neck and causing the other man to shudder in his arms.

Matt moved his hips again - rubbing his boxer-clad ass against Kelly’s erection, letting out a low moan - and a jolt of heat passed through Kelly. God he wanted Matt so much - all the time.

Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against the skin where Matt’s shoulder met his neck and he sucked on the smooth flesh there. Matt pressed his head against his pillow, exposing more of his neck and urging Kelly on. His hips pushed back again and Kelly thrust against him, still alternating between biting down on Matt’s skin and smoothing the sting with his tongue. Matt was beginning to writhe against him, but Kelly knew it was because he was driven mad by his mouth on his neck. He was so sensitive there and Kelly loved using his knowledge to get Matt worked up.

“Kelly...” Matt groaned. “Come on. You can’t wake me up like this and then tease me. I want you.”

“I want you too,” Kelly replied softly. “I want this - every day. Always.”

Matt stilled against him and for a horrible moment Kelly wondered if he’d said too much. Had he stepped over the line they’d drawn between them? They hadn’t talked about things getting more serious: they’d just been floating along, fucking in secret and not considering where it was all leading.

After their first anger and alcohol-fuelled session of getting one another off, they’d fallen into some mutually beneficial arrangement where they could fuck around and not worry about the consequences. They were friends who were having amazing sex - no-one else needed to know and they weren’t going to make it a big deal. They weren’t going to label it or worry about where it might end up.

But as the months had rolled by, they’d been spending more and more time together: what had started as just friends with benefits had developed into something more and they’d started staying over at one another’s places, and spending time just hanging out before they’d end up in bed instead of just meeting up to fool around and then going their separate ways.

But they hadn’t talked about what it meant. Neither of them had addressed the change in their situation and the fact that maybe it had become more than just ‘friends with benefits’. Maybe they were both too scared to admit what was going on. Maybe they were worried about losing each other. Maybe they were both afraid that it was one-sided, that they were the only one who’d fallen.

Because that was what it was. Kelly had fallen in love with Matt somewhere along the way. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment; he couldn’t look back over the months and say ‘that was when I knew’. But deep down, he’d known for a while.

Matt shuffled in his arms and turned himself over so he was facing Kelly. He looked at Kelly intently and then lifted a hand to smooth over his eyebrow.

“D’you mean that?” he asked quietly. “You want this? Properly?”

Kelly swallowed thickly. He could brush it away - make out like he’d been messing about, just caught up in the moment - but he didn’t want to. “Yeah,” he breathed. “If it’s...if it’s what you want too.”

A wide smile spread across Matt’s face, his eyes sparkling with happiness. “Course it is,” he said, a laugh mixed in with his words.

Kelly returned the smile and laughed softly to himself, the happiness bubbling out of him. His eyes flicked between Matt’s eyes and his mouth and Matt leaned in to kiss him.

 

Kelly woke up with a start.

He looked up from his slumped position, feeling instantly wide awake, and immediately wanted to go back to his dream. In his dream, he was happy and comfortable and Matt was alright. The harsh truth of the real world was the opposite of that. He wasn’t happy or comfortable and Matt definitely wasn’t alright. He was lying on the hospital bed, hooked up to machines and monitors: he hadn’t moved since he’d been brought back to the ICU after his surgery two days ago and Kelly felt like he was falling apart. He’d hardly left Matt’s side since they’d arrived at the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

Matt had risked everything - ignored the order to evacuate - to save the baby trapped in the fire and he’d paid the price. The beam that had fallen on him had left him fighting for his life. An epidural hematoma the doctors had said. Kelly didn’t even know the ins and outs of what that meant, but it had left Matt in a coma, barely clinging on.

Kelly hung his head and blew out a long breath. His eyes were burning and he didn’t know if it was from exhaustion or unshed tears anymore. He’d hardly slept over the last few days but when he did, more often than not, he saw Matt in the back of the ambulance over and over again. He saw himself barely holding back tears as Matt convulsed on the bed and he had to use all his strength to hold him down as Dawson desperately worked on him.

The dream he’d just woken up from had been a welcome moment of respite from his anguished thoughts: a perfect scenario of the two of them finally admitting how they felt. But even that seemed to torment him now.

Because the dream was nothing but a fantasy. A cruel trick by his subconscious to show him everything he could’ve had, but now might never get to experience.

***

In reality, he’d fucked up. The start of his dream had been exactly the same: he had woken up spooned close behind Matt and the other man had woken up and murmured about how he could wake up like that every morning. But instead of agreeing with Matt’s sleepy admission like he had in his dream - telling him that, yeah, he felt the same and wanted Matt more than anything - Kelly had freaked out. The idea of admitting that he felt the same and committing to a real relationship had been overwhelming. He’d made some poor excuse about wanting to head home before shift and scrambled out of Matt’s bed before the other man had even properly woken up. Matt had called after him, something like hurt colouring his voice, but Kelly had all but ran out of the door, leaving Matt and his disappointed face behind.

They’d arrived at the firehouse within minutes of one another but not spoken and for the first time in months there had been an uncomfortable distance between them. They hadn’t shared any knowing looks or secret smiles; they hadn’t playfully bumped against one another in the kitchen, just for the chance to touch one another.

Kelly had hated it and hadn’t known what to do. He’d been pretty ashamed of himself for running out on Matt, but he’d been caught off guard by the other man suggesting that they should make things more permanent between them - no matter how much Matt had probably let it slip out without even being aware of what he’d said -and running away had seemed easier than facing it. For a man who ran into fires for a living, he’d been less than brave that morning. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with Matt: it was probably the opposite of that. He’d realised eventually that he’d fallen for Matt, but he was scared about what that meant. What impact would it have on their working relationship if everyone knew about them? What would happen if they took the step from casual to serious and it didn’t work out? What if they ended up hating one another? Kelly could hardly bear the thought of losing Matt.

He’d tried to catch Matt alone in the locker room so they could talk, but Matt hadn’t wanted to get into it.

“Look,” he’d sighed, not meeting Kelly’s eyes, “I don’t want to make things weird. Let’s just...leave it, yeah?”

Kelly had shaken his head quickly. “We need to talk,” he’d said. “I was a jerk this morning.”

Matt had stepped away from him, putting yet more distance between them. “It’s fine. I get it. I know it’s not...I shouldn’t have said anything. I was half asleep,” he’d added, like he was trying to excuse what he’d said.

“Matt...” Kelly had started. He’d moved to reach for him, but Cruz marching into the room interrupted them and Matt had taken his chance to walk away.

Kelly had hung his head for a moment and blown out a frustrated breath before he’d wandered back out to the squad table, cursing himself and wondering how he was going to sort out the mess he’d made. He’d known it would have to wait until after shift and he’d been left restless waiting as the hours trickled by.

Then they’d been called to the apartment fire. And Kelly’s world had been turned upside down.

He’d waited outside following the Chief’s order to evacuate and willed Casey to stride out of the door. But with every passing second, his heart rate had sped up and dread had pooled in his stomach. When the collapse had happened and Boden had ordered them inside, Kelly had been desperate to find Matt. After they’d found him pinned beneath the beam, he’d actually breathed a sigh of relief because, as soon as he’d been able to, Matt had jumped up and staggered towards the door, still carrying the baby.

It had only been when Kelly had made his way out behind Matt that he’d realised just how bad the situation was. Matt had been unconscious on the ground, his mask splattered with his own blood, and Kelly had known it was bad.

He’d pleaded with Matt to be alright. He’d never felt so useless in his life. When Dawson yelled that they needed help to get him to the hospital, Kelly hadn’t hesitated. There had been no way he was leaving Matt.

The ride to the hospital had been awful. Dawson had been desperate: tears streaming down her face as she’d worked on Casey, begging him not to give up.

“Not like this,” she’d shouted and Kelly had silently screamed the words in his own head as he’d looked down at the blood pouring from Matt’s head as he’d convulsed violently against the gurney. Matt couldn’t leave him - not like that, not when there was so much left unsaid between them.

When they’d made it to the hospital, Matt had been rushed away and Kelly had all but collapsed into a chair: his thoughts racing and his heart aching. The long wait for news had started: the members of the firehouse arriving eventually to sit and wait with him and Dawson. Their collective silent fear had been palpable.

The doctor had informed them that Casey needed life-saving surgery on the injury to his brain and Kelly had been glad for the support of his team behind him or he knew he’d have crumpled to the floor. When he’d been able to breathe again and think beyond the doctor’s terrifying words, he’d not cared about what anyone would think as he’d raced down the corridor to the room where Matt was being prepped for surgery.

“Don’t you dare leave me,” he’d thought as he’d stared through the window at Matt’s unconscious form. “Don’t you dare.”

He’d watched and waited, trying to fight the despair creeping over him, until Matt was wheeled away and he was lost from view.

When Kelly had turned around, scrubbing the tears roughly from his eyes, he’d been confronted by the sight of a stern-looking Boden watching him. There had been something in the chief’s eyes, some sign of understanding and sorrow, and Kelly had followed when Boden had gestured him to come sit down.

They’d sat in silence for a long moment: Kelly had known where the conversation was going, but had been struggling to find the words.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Kelly?” Boden had asked in his usual calm but firm tone.

Kelly had sighed and hung his head, his hands between knees. “I’m guessing you’ve figured it out.”

Boden had leant back in his chair. “You and Casey,” he’d stated simply like that summed it up completely.

Kelly had huffed out a bitter laugh. “Me and Casey,” he’d echoed, knowing he sounded hollow and lost and scared. “We didn’t...we didn’t say anything because we thought it was just...we were just friends...it was just a way of letting off steam,” Kelly had added quietly as he’d ran his hand over his head.

Boden had shifted beside him. “Your reaction tonight was not that of a man who was just letting off steam with his friend.”

Kelly had looked up at him then. “I...I can’t lose him,” he’d admitted. “He doesn’t even...I didn’t tell him. And now...” he’d trailed off and stared down the corridor in the direction they’d taken Matt.

“Casey is a fighter,” Boden had said passionately. “Apart from you, I don’t think I’ve ever met a more stubborn man and I don’t doubt that he’s coming back to you - to all of us. We won’t lose him.”

“Chief...” Kelly had began, but tears had welled in his eyes again and he’d had to stop.

“When he wakes up, you make sure you tell him what he means to you,” Boden had told him and Kelly had known that he would. He wouldn’t risk losing Matt for any reason again - not if he could avoid it.

“I’m sorry we kept it from you,” Kelly had said quietly. “But if we’d thought it was interfering...”

“It didn’t,” Boden had interrupted him. “As your chief, I pride myself on knowing my people. There was something different about both of you and I had my suspicions, but it wasn’t interfering with your work. You’re damn fine firefighters, Severide, and I know you would never let anything get in the way of that.”

Kelly had wondered what the chief had noticed, but he’d been too exhausted to ask.

Boden had patted him on the shoulder before he’d stood up. “You were both lighter somehow,” he’d said and Kelly had realised he was answering the question that he hadn’t asked. “You were less tense and you both smiled more. And, now I know for sure, I understand what the look on Casey’s face meant every time he saw you.”

Kelly had frowned at him questioningly and Boden had offered him a slight smile.

“Don’t be afraid to tell him how you feel when he wakes up,” he’d said. “Because he will wake up and he’s going to need you.”

With that, he’d walked away, leaving Kelly thinking about everything he’d said.

***

Kelly was still thinking about it now. He’d imagined telling Matt how he felt and he’d second guessed himself about how Matt would react over and over. He supposed his dream was his brain’s way of playing out the ideal scenario but as he looked at Matt’s slack face and the tubes and wires coming out of him and going into him, he felt like it was a slap to the face.

It felt like the whole house had been to visit over the last few days and Kelly wondered how many of them had figured out the reason why he refused to leave Casey’s side. He guessed, all of them. It wasn’t how they’d have ideally liked everyone to find out. Maybe, if Kelly had continued to be a coward and Matt hadn’t made the first move, they’d never have told anyone. Maybe it would have been their little secret forever. Kelly wasn’t ashamed of who he was or who he had in his bed - that wasn’t why they’d kept it secret. It had just seemed easier that way and when all it had been was them fooling around, it really wasn’t worth anyone knowing anyway. And Kelly had liked having something between them that only they knew - it was fun and a bit dangerous and so special. He hadn’t wanted to share Matt with anyone else. But now it was more and everyone had probably figured it out for themselves, and Kelly just hoped it wasn’t too late for it to matter. If - _when_ , he reminded himself forcefully - Matt woke up, Kelly would shout it from the rooftops that they were together, that he loved Matt, if that would make Matt smile and laugh at him fondly and look at him in the way Boden had said he’d seen, but Kelly had been too blind to notice.

“Come on, Matt,” Kelly said quietly. He squeezed Matt’s fingers. “Come back to me.”

There was a moment when he believed that maybe this time it would work, but Matt didn’t so much as twitch and Kelly sighed and closed his eyes for a long moment. He needed to move: he needed to get some fresh air to try to clear his head. Pushing up from his seat, he gazed down at Matt before he gently ran his thumb across his eyebrow.

And then he saw it. A flicker of eyelids and then Matt’s face scrunched up a little. Kelly hardly dared breathe as he watched. The machine beside the bed started beeping at a faster rate.

“Matt,” he called. “That’s it. You need to wake up. Come on.”

The doctor came rushing in accompanied by a nurse and Kelly stepped back to let them check on Matt. They were talking rapidly and checking monitors and when the doctor moved to the side, Kelly saw Matt’s eyes open for the first time in days. The sight took his breath away. Matt looked exhausted and confused and like he was about to fall asleep again at any moment, but he was awake.

Kelly stepped back to the bed and took Matt’s hand in his own again. “It’s okay,” he said quietly, his eyes finally meeting Matt’s after waiting for so long. “You’re going to be okay. I’m here.”

Matt blinked at him slowly a few times and Kelly could’ve cried tears of joy when he felt Matt’s fingers weakly close around his.

Matt had come back to him and Kelly was never letting him go.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely feedback and encouragement so far! I’m so glad someone out there is reading and enjoying this fic.

He was desperate. He couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, but he was desperate. 

Desperate to get out, desperate to save the baby - that was right. He remembered suddenly. He was carrying a baby - it was crying as it he clutched it against his chest - and he had to get out.

There was fire everywhere but he didn’t know where he was. He didn’t recognise the place and he couldn’t remember getting there. All he knew was that he had to find the way out. Every path he might have taken was blocked and his options were running out. Desperation roared through him: his heart was pounding, sweat dripping from his skin. His head felt thick and heavy and he didn’t understand why he couldn’t get out.

Confusion washed through him. Where was the rest of the crew? Why was he alone? Why was he trapped?

He forced it down: he’d worry about that when he got out. For now, he just needed to find the way out of this nightmare.

Eventually he saw it - a clear path, or at least as clear as it was going to be. He dashed forward and thought he was clear. But then there was a deafening bang and he had no time to move before the ceiling fell down around him.

Suddenly there were voices. His team calling his name. People yelling and movement all around him. Kelly was there. And then he was up and stumbling on unsteady legs towards a point of light. He was outside the building and then the light blinked out.

 

Matt gasped awake and blinked rapidly. He looked around the room and realised he was still in the hospital. The fragments of the dream he’d been having were floating away- he couldn’t grab hold of them - and he realised he couldn’t remember what he’d been dreaming about or what had happened to him.

Hospital, he told himself. They’d told him what had happened, but he couldn’t remember it. He supposed that was a fairly normal side-effect of a huge beam falling on your head and then brain surgery to fix the mess that had been made inside his skull.

When he’d woken up, Kelly had been there, looking relieved and terrified and exhausted as he hovered over Matt. And that had been at least one thing he could hold on to. Kelly had been there pretty much every time he’d woken up. As he’d drifted in and out of consciousness, Kelly had been at his bedside, watching him with soft eyes and talking to him with gentle words as he struggled to stay awake.

He’d vaguely wondered how that had gone down with the Chief and what did everyone at the house think of Kelly’s vigil at his bedside, but thinking about it too much started to make his head hurt and he just let it go. He had bigger things to worry about, like when he’d be released from the hospital and when he’d get back to normal.

For once, Kelly wasn’t there in his room, but when Matt turned his head to the side, he saw the other man outside in the corridor speaking with one of the doctors. He glanced into the room and saw Matt was awake, ended the conversation and made his way inside.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked as he wandered over to the bed.

Matt looked up at him and thought about the question. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t quite know how to put it into words. His head hurt and it felt thick, like his thoughts were all mixed up and he couldn’t make sense of any of it. But he didn’t want to tell Kelly any of that: he’d just worry and the doctors might insist that he stayed in the hospital for even longer.

“Matt?” Kelly asked and Matt realised his mind had wandered off. He didn’t know how long for, but Kelly was watching him closely with worried eyes.

Matt swallowed thickly. “Yeah...I’m fine. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home.”

Kelly smiled at him slightly. “Hopefully soon, yeah? The doctors seem pretty impressed with your progress so that’s good news.”

“And you need to get back to work,” Matt said. “The House needs you.”

“The House is fine,” Kelly replied. “You need me.”

Matt looked into Kelly’s eyes, wondering what the other man was thinking. Sure, they’d been sleeping together, definitely getting closer lately, but Matt was sure there was no reason for Kelly to be waiting at his bedside. He knew how he felt about Kelly: it scared him. He wanted everything with the man gazing at him because he knew that he’d fallen for Kelly. But there was no way that Kelly felt the same. He wasn’t going to fool himself into thinking they had any sort of future together. Kelly wasn’t in it for the long-haul: he didn’t do commitment. And Matt wasn’t about to make an idiot of himself by confessing how he felt and making things weird between them. He just didn’t understand why Kelly was so intent on hanging around at the hospital. Surely he needed to get to work. Surely Boden thought it was weird that he wasn’t at work.

“Does the Chief know about us?” Matt asked suddenly. His thoughts were all over the place, when he could pin them down at all, so the idea had just popped into his head and he’d blurted it out.

Kelly looked a little startled and sat back in his chair. Chewing on his bottom lip, Kelly looked down at the edge of the bed for a moment. “He guessed there was something going on,” he eventually replied. “Not exactly what I had planned.”

Matt frowned. He was sure they’d never planned to tell Boden anything about it at all. Why would they even need to? “Was he pissed?”

Kelly shook his head slowly. “No, not at all. He was really good about it.”

Matt smiled a little. “Well, I suppose we aren’t making it weird when we’re on shift, so he’s got nothing to worry about.” He shrugged as best as he could against his pillow. “I’m guessing the whole House knows about it now. Probably put two and two together seeing as you’ve been here so much.”

Kelly looked a little uncomfortable all of a sudden, fiddling with the blanket hanging off the side of the bed, eyes not quite meeting Matt’s. And Matt cursed himself and his mouth. What he’d said was obviously too close to some sort of declaration, or some sort of suggestion that they were a couple, for Kelly’s liking. He really didn’t want to make things awkward between them, so carelessly dropping hints that maybe they were more than fuck-buddies was probably not his smartest move. He’d blame the head injury for his slip-up.

“Look,” he said quickly. “Why don’t you head home? There’s nothing going on here and I’ll probably just get some sleep. Call Boden - tell him you’ll be in next shift.”

Kelly frowned at him and looked like he was about to argue.

“It’s pointless you being here,” Matt continued before he could start. “Thanks for sticking around, but I’m fine. You’ve done enough...been a really good friend.”

Kelly blinked at him a few times and seemed to be mulling over what he should say, before he stood up and nodded. His eyes were still on Matt. “Yeah, okay,” he finally agreed.

He looked uncomfortable again and Matt wondered what he’d said now that had caused the other man to be so awkward around him. Maybe all of this was just too much for Kelly. He was probably sick of being at the hospital and feeling like he needed to keep an eye on Matt seeing as he didn’t exactly have family members rushing to his bedside to show their support. If he felt obligated in some way, Matt had to make him see he didn’t need to feel like that. He’d be fine.

Kelly took a step away from the bed and then hesitated, looking at Matt with concern again. “I’ll...yeah, um, I’ll see you later then,” he finally managed to say and then he turned around and walked out of the room.

Matt’s shoulders slumped as soon as he was gone: he wished Kelly hadn’t left the moment he’d walked out of the door. But it was too late for self-pity and besides he had more important things to worry about. Like the fact that he couldn’t remember the days before the fire.

***

A few more days passed and Matt was itching to be released from the hospital. He was convinced that if he could get home, the memories that he couldn’t grab hold of would all come flooding back. So far, he was sure he was missing at least a couple of days from before the fire. It frightened him, but getting home would solve the problem - he was sure.

The doctors had finally told him he could go home and as he shuffled around his bed shoving his belongings into his bag, he couldn’t wait to get out of there. He was restless and if his mind wasn’t whirling at a hundred miles an hour, it felt foggy and weird and he couldn’t pin anything down. Being unable to think clearly was making him irritable and frustrated and he just needed to get home so he could get his thoughts in order.

“Hey,” a soft voice behind him had him turning around. A wave of dizziness rushed over him and he steadied himself against his bed as he looked up at Kelly’s concerned face.

“You okay?” Kelly asked as he stepped further into the room. He was watching Matt intently like he was searching for some sign that he wasn’t ready to be released from hospital.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” he replied. “Just dying to get out of here.”

Kelly’s eyebrow rose and Matt laughed lightly. “Poor choice of words, huh?”

“Might be a bit too soon. You set?”

Nodding, Matt grabbed his bag. “Get me out of here.”

Kelly had driven them back to Matt’s place and then walked him inside and then hung around helping to get him settled back in.

“I’m alright, you know,” Matt insisted for what felt like the fiftieth time.

“I know,” Kelly replied simply as he continued tidying up in the kitchen.

“You don’t need to do all that. You can go home - I’ll be fine.”

Kelly wandered through and stood in the middle of the room staring down at where Matt was sitting on the couch. “Well, the thing is, the doctors advised that someone stayed with you for a while so...you’ve got company...at least when I’m not on shift.”

Matt blinked at him in surprise. Or maybe disbelief. He followed Kelly’s gaze to the doorway where his bag was on the floor and wondered how he hadn’t even noticed Kelly bringing a bag of his stuff into his house when they’d arrived. He knew he was tired but it was ridiculous: he wasn’t even aware of what was going on around him. It panicked him and suddenly he felt a little scared about what was wrong with him.

“Might’ve been nice to check with me first,” he muttered and instantly wished he hadn’t because he knew how ungrateful he sounded. The way Kelly pressed his lips into a thin line only confirmed that he was being an ass.

“Well, I thought you’d rather be at your place than staying somewhere else so I thought this would be the best solution,” Kelly replied, clearly trying to keep the annoyance from his voice.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Matt ground out. But maybe he did? Maybe he was losing his damn mind. Maybe he was going to be damaged forever. His thoughts were whirling again and anxiety washed over him. He knew he sounded like a petulant child but he couldn’t stop himself. And that was just something else that scared him: he couldn’t even control what was coming out of his mouth.

“No-one’s saying you do,” Kelly said, his tone even. “But it’s doctor’s orders. It’s one of the only reasons they let you out so soon.”

Matt glared at him and Kelly raised an eyebrow almost like he was waiting for another angry retort.

“I’ll fix us something to eat,” Kelly said as he turned back to the kitchen.

Needing some space to clear his head and not feeling much like sitting around pretending to be fine, Matt pushed himself slowly up from the couch. “Don’t bother,” he called. “I’m not hungry.”

Kelly appeared again and looked surprised to see Matt on his feet which was yet another reminder that he was in a mess.

“I’m going for a lie down,” Matt grunted. Then he forced himself to walk as normally as possible, despite the dizziness clouding his head, towards the stairs. He could feel Kelly’s eyes on him as he went, and he didn’t know whether he loved the fact that he cared or hated the fact that he felt he needed to.

***

When Matt woke up, it took him a moment to remember everything that had happened. He blinked blearily in the dimly lit room. The only light was entering from the moon outside the window and a light on downstairs. He wondered why he’d come to bed and left the lights on downstairs and then suddenly remembered that it had still been light when he’d gone up to bed. Then he remembered that Kelly was staying with him because of his injury and he wondered where the other man was.

Slowly, he pushed himself up in his bed and carefully climbed out. He wandered to the stairs and listened for any sign of Kelly. He could hear the television playing quietly so he made his way steadily down the stairs.

Kelly looked up at him as soon as he wandered into the room. His eyes scanned Matt’s face quickly and he looked at him expectantly, like he was waiting for something.

Frowning, and wondering what the hell was going on, Matt scratched the side of his head. Kelly had set up the couch like a bed, with a pillow and Matt’s spare bedding which he was lying beneath.

“What are you doing?” Matt asked.

Kelly’s lips turned down a little and he shrugged. “Getting ready to turn in for the night. Just thought I’d watch some TV. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Matt frowned again. “Why are you down here?”

“What?” It was Kelly’s turn to frown and he looked genuinely confused like Matt was speaking a different language.

“Why didn’t you come up to bed?” Matt asked.

There was a long moment of silence and Matt wondered if he’d forgotten something. For a horrible moment, he thought that maybe he’d misstepped and forgotten some serious conversation they’d had about how they needed to keep their distance while Kelly was technically looking after him, but then Kelly smiled slightly - still looking a little confused and definitely concerned - and threw the covers back off his body. He pushed himself up from the couch and Matt smiled softly at the sight of him in a comfy, old t-shirt and his underwear.

“Lead the way,” Kelly said as he gestured towards the stairs.

Matt nodded and did as he was asked.

Once they were upstairs in Matt’s bedroom, things seemed to be simple enough - both of them sliding into bed, just as Matt remembered them doing - and Matt was thankful for the normalcy of the moment. There was nothing sexual about it: it certainly wasn’t leading anywhere, but Matt didn’t care and Kelly seemed content enough with the situation too.

Both of them settled down against their pillows and Kelly pulled the covers up over them. Despite the fact that he’d obviously been asleep for much of the afternoon and evening, Matt could already feel his eyelids growing heavy and he wondered when the almost overwhelming tiredness would leave him. He forced his eyes open and looked at Kelly through the darkness. He was glad he was there. He vaguely remembered some heated discussion earlier about Kelly staying and he could recall that he’d pretended like he didn’t want him to. But that wasn’t the truth at all. He wanted Kelly there.

“I’m not leaving,” Kelly murmured and Matt realised he must have spoken some of his thoughts aloud.

He felt a warm hand stroke up his arm, across his shoulder and to his neck. He sighed in contentment as the hand cupped his face and then a soft kiss was pressed to his forehead.

He wanted to say something else: wanted to thank Kelly for sticking by him; wanted to tell him how much it meant; wanted to say how much he loved Kelly. But those things stayed inside his head with his other jumbled thoughts and he drifted off into a deep sleep, knowing that Kelly would be there if he needed him.


	3. 3

Kelly had rushed back to Matt’s place as soon as shift was over. He felt like he rushed about a lot these days, going from Matt’s to the Firehouse and back again. Rationally, he knew that he was worrying about nothing: Matt was fine; he was making good progress; his recovery was going remarkably well. That didn’t stop him worrying that Matt might have had one of his dizzy spells while he was out at work, fallen and hit his head on the edge of table and was lying unconscious. He knew he was being over-protective and he knew Matt was getting frustrated with him. At least, he was some of the time.

Kelly couldn’t keep up with Matt’s changing moods. One minute he’d be fine and they’d be sharing a joke as Kelly recounted a tale about something that had happened to one of their colleagues that day. The next, Matt would scowl at him and tell him to stop fussing if Kelly looked at him a certain way or offered to help or jumped out of his seat when Matt looked a little unsteady on his feet.

 

Matt had snapped at him more than once over the last couple of weeks since he’d been out of the hospital and, more often than not, Kelly had surprised himself with his restraint when, instead of snapping back, he’d bitten his tongue and forced himself to walk away.

But once he had walked _out_.

It had all been over something stupid but Matt had told him to stop treating him like a child and told him to just go because he didn’t need Kelly there and he needed some space, so Kelly had done just that. He’d thrown his hands in the air and blown out an angry growl as he’d stomped out of Matt’s house, slamming the door behind him, and got into his car. After a long, difficult shift, the last thing he’d needed was to come back to Matt’s to get his head bitten off just for showing he cared. ‘I don’t need this shit,’ he’d thought to himself as he’d revved the engine. The tyres of his car had squealed as he’d accelerated away from the house and he’d driven around aimlessly for hours wondering why he even bothered and cursing Matt for being a stubborn ass. He hadn’t been able to understand why it was so hard for Matt to realise that Kelly was worried about him because he cared. He wasn’t trying to make him feel useless, but he wasn’t about to forget the fact that not all that long ago Matt had been fighting for his life.

He’d ended up going to see Shay - of course he had. She’d taken one look at his face when he’d walked through the door of the apartment and given him a knowing look, a raised eyebrow, and then got him him a beer out of the fridge.

They’d talked for ages: Kelly had finally shared some of his worries and frustrations about Matt with his best friend and he’d felt better for it. Shay was always good for advice and she’d been her usual supportive, but straight to the point, self. She’d made Kelly realise that he needed to have a conversation with Matt - a proper one about how he felt and what was going on. And she’d pointed out that maybe Casey was struggling to cope with his situation more than he was letting on and maybe he just needed to know that Kelly was there no matter what.

Despite the fact that Kelly had been in a foul mood when he’d arrived, Shay had soon pulled him out of it and he’d been reminded of just how lucky he was to have her in his life. They’d spent the rest of the evening just hanging out and Kelly had realised that he’d needed it.

When Matt had messaged him, much later, to apologise for how he’d reacted, Kelly had shaken his head a little and ignored it. Matt had asked for some space and Kelly had decided that maybe he wanted some too. But that hadn’t stopped him worrying and wondering what Matt was doing and Shay had eventually grabbed his arm and pulled him up off the couch, shoved his jacket at him and directed him to the door.

“And don’t even pretend like you were going to stay here tonight,” she’d told him with a shake of her head. “You’re hopeless. Just go be a pair of stubborn idiots together.”

He’d huffed out a soft laugh at her words and rolled his eyes as she’d waved him off and he’d headed back down to his car.

When he’d let himself back into Matt’s place, he’d found the other man sitting on the couch. Matt had stood up quickly and then shuffled about and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“‘m sorry,” he’d mumbled. “I shouldn’t be taking any of this out on you. I just...I’m just so frustrated sitting around here. I’m ready to get back to work.”

Kelly had sighed. “Maybe you are, but you need to wait until the doc clears you. And believe me, I know how frustrating it can be, but that’s the way it is and you’ve got to be patient.”

With a heavy sigh, Matt had nodded in agreement. “I didn’t mean it, you know.”

“What?” Kelly had asked with a frown.

“That I wanted you to go. I was just pissed at...everything,” Matt had replied as he’d waved his hand to demonstrate his meaning.

In that moment, Kelly had been about to sit Matt down and talk to him about the morning before he’d been injured. He’d been wanting to bring it up for a while but just hadn’t known how to. Talking with Shay had made him realise that he just needed to get on with it. It had become this weird thing that neither of them had mentioned, or even hinted at, since Matt had been hurt and Kelly hated the fact that he’d been too scared to bring it up. The longer he’d left it, the harder it had become to find the right moment. He’d been worrying that maybe Matt hadn’t brought it up because he didn’t want to discuss it at all because he didn’t feel that way about Kelly and he didn’t want anything more serious between them. But in that moment, Kelly had been sure that Matt wanted to take the next step in their relationship and make it more official.

He’d been about to just say it when Matt had announced that he was exhausted and wanted to head to bed. He’d walked around Kelly and had patted him on the shoulder as he went and then headed towards the stairs.

Kelly had been left wondering how he’d yet again missed the opportunity to have that conversation and whether they ever would. A tiny part of his brain - the part that always told him he didn’t deserve good things - had wondered if they just weren’t meant to be. Maybe, he’d thought to himself, I’m in this alone after all.

***

“No,” he called out. “No. This can’t be happening.” He shook his head in denial but the faces of everyone around him told him that they were telling him the awful truth.

Matt was dead.

“No,” he moaned again as he fell to his knees. He felt arms wrap around him, a soft voice calling his name. He buried his head in his hands and felt hot tears slide down his face. Someone was calling to him again.

“I never got to tell him the truth,” he sobbed. “I never told him that I love him.”

“It’s alright,” someone said, but they sounded a long way away and he couldn’t place the voice.

A hand stroked over his head, through his hair and down the side of his neck and he suddenly felt calmer. A breath rushed by his ear and he lifted his head.

Matt was there, looking straight at him and smiling.

“I’m here,” he said quietly.

“But...” Kelly started, but Matt cut him off with a gentle kiss to his cheek. He smiled at Kelly again and suddenly his smile turned cheeky as he leant forward and pressed his lips to Kelly’s neck. Kelly tilted his head back and he could feel Matt’s smile against his skin. He moaned low in his throat, all terrible thoughts of Matt being gone disappearing from his mind, as Matt sucked and kissed his way down Kelly’s neck to his chest. Matt flicked his tongue across one of his nipples and Kelly arched his back. Matt was always so pleased by Kelly’s reactions to his touch and it seemed like he’d spent all their time together learning the best ways to get Kelly writhing beneath him.

Kelly could feel his dick hardening and he moaned again as Matt continued teasing him. He thrust his hips upwards a little seeking some friction where he needed it most and he heard Matt chuckle above him.

“Always so impatient,” Matt said and Kelly could hear the laugh in his voice.

Then there was a hand on his erection, palming him through his underwear, and Kelly briefly wondered when he’d ended up in just his boxers, before he lifted his hips to meet the pressure of Matt’s hand.

It was only when Matt’s fingers slipped beneath the elastic waistband that Kelly’s eyes snapped open and he realised what was happening.

He’d been dreaming. A horrible nightmare about losing Matt that had turned into something much more pleasurable. It didn’t take his mind long to realise what had happened: he’d disturbed Matt with his obvious distress in his unconscious state (it wouldn’t be the first time) and Matt had calmed him down and then turned the situation into something else entirely.

“Morning,” Matt said casually as he looked up at Kelly’s face and smiled, his eyebrow lifting. His fingers were still inside Kelly’s boxers and his face was closer to his crotch than he’d realised.

Kelly rubbed a hand across his own face and smiled down at him. Still catching up with what was happening but not being able to pretend he wasn’t completely turned on.

“Not a bad way to wake up,” he replied.

Matt smiled and dipped his head, pressing a kiss to Kelly’s stomach. His fingers moved and hooked over the waistband of Kelly’s underwear, peeling them down as Kelly lifted his hips to help him in his task. Kelly’s cock lay hard and full against his stomach as Matt pulled the boxers down his legs and slipped them over his feet before he threw them somewhere off the bed and settled himself back between Kelly’s thighs.

“Better than any other wake up call,” Matt agreed. He licked his lips as he glanced down at Kelly’s dick before looking back up at his face.

Reaching a hand out, Kelly stroked his fingers through the hair at the side of Matt’s head. He was wide awake now. In their line of work, they had to be able to wake up and be ready for action almost instantly and, after years on the job, he liked to think he was an expert at it. This was an entirely different kind of wake up call, but one that he was equally ready for. 

Giving Kelly one last confident look, Matt dipped his head, flicked his tongue out and licked one long stripe from Kelly’s balls all the way along the underside of his dick to the tip.

“Ah, shit,” Kelly hissed as he pushed his head back against his pillow. His dick twitched against his stomach and Matt took hold of the base of it, bringing it to his lips. His tongue struck out again, swirling over and dipping into the slit of Kelly’s cock and the muscles of his stomach clenched in reaction. Biting his lip, he looked down the length of his own body as Matt’s lips closed around the head of his dick and he slid down the length of him. His cheeks hollowed as he went, gradually moving lower, taking Kelly further into his mouth and flattening his tongue against him.

“Jesus...Matt,” Kelly gasped. The sight of Matt between his thighs, sucking on his dick was something out of Kelly’s own perfect fantasy and he wanted nothing more than to let go and give himself up to Matt.

He moaned as Matt’s mouth worked on him, his head bobbing up and down, his lips stretched wide. Kelly reached out his hands and threaded his fingers into Matt’s hair. It was obviously a good move because Matt released his own moan, sending vibrations through Kelly’s cock and making him thrust upwards a little. He was about to let his hips take over, let his dick do the thinking, fuck into Matt’s mouth like he had many times before, when his fingers moved in Matt’s hair and grazed across the patch of shorter hair where the nurses had shaved a section for the surgeon to work, and the raised, still-healing scar, where they’d desperately worked to fix the damage to Matt’s brain and Kelly’s hands fell away. His heart thudded in his chest for an entirely different reason and he hesitated. Wasn’t Matt supposed to be taking it easy? Having Kelly fucking his mouth because he couldn’t control himself was hardly following doctor’s orders.

Matt pulled away and frowned at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in concern.

Kelly couldn’t help but think how beautiful he looked: his skin flushed and his lips red, his hair tousled and his eyes bright.

“Nothin’,” Kelly mumbled. “Just, um, don’t want you to overdo it, you know.”

Matt’s eyes narrowed and he pushed himself up to his knees. “You are kidding, aren’t you?” His voice had taken on the irritated tone that Kelly knew meant an argument was coming and he cursed himself for ruining the moment. But at the same time, he knew he’d never put his desire to get his dick sucked over the health of the man before him.

“You do remember that I’ve been given the all-clear to go back to work next week?” Matt asked him.

“I know,” Kelly sighed.

“And you can’t spend every moment we’re out on a call worrying about me?” Matt continued.

“I know,” Kelly repeated.

Matt blew out a long breath. “I nearly died,” he stated simply and Kelly’s heart stuttered in his chest at the words. “But I didn’t,” Matt continued. “And I’m not wasting a second worrying about what could’ve been. And you shouldn’t either. It’s done. I’m fine. I just want to get back to normal.”

Kelly knew that Matt was talking sense. He knew, in the rational part of his brain, that he couldn’t spend his life worrying about Matt no matter how much he cared about him. Even if Matt hadn’t suffered his brain injury, they would still be facing danger every time they were on shift because that was just what they did. And Kelly couldn’t protect Matt from any of it: not really. And it wouldn’t be fair on either of them to try. Kelly would drive himself mad with ‘what ifs’ and Matt would soon get tired of his behaviour. He had to move past what had happened: if Matt had managed to do that, so could he.

Kelly scrabbled to his knees so he was level with Matt. He laid one hand against where his heart was beating in his chest and the other slipped around his head. His thumb brushed through the same short patch of hair he’d found by accident earlier on. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I know I’m being a bit...over-protective, I guess.” He shrugged and looked down at where his hand rested against Matt’s chest, the steady thump of his heart a reassuring beat beneath his palm.

Matt’s hands slid up Kelly’s chest and to his shoulders. “Don’t worry about me,” he said quietly. “I don’t need you treating me like I’m made of glass.”

Kelly looked up sharply at his words. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he replied. “I’m not.”

Matt’s eyebrow rose and he tilted his head to the side a little. “You’ve hardly touched me.”

“That’s not fair,” Kelly protested. “I have touched you.”

Matt huffed out a soft laugh. “You’ve been staying here. We’ve been sharing a bed. And...you’ve been a very attentive nurse.”

Kelly couldn’t help but smile at his words, shaking his head as he looked down at the bed and bit his lip, but he knew there was more to it. He didn’t really know how to argue his case. Matt‘s words weren’t entirely accurate. He had touched him, but they’d been caring, gentle touches. Sometimes they’d kissed and Kelly had rubbed Matt’s back as he’d drifted off to sleep, but it hadn’t gone any further and Kelly knew their relationship over the last few months couldn’t be described as friends with benefits. There were definitely no benefits as far as anything sexual was concerned. It could obviously pass as a friendly set-up, but then why were they sharing a bed? To anyone looking in on them, they were a couple. It would look just like Kelly was taking care of the man he loved. And that was exactly what he was doing. The only problem was Matt didn’t realise that was what was happening.

Suddenly, it seemed like the perfect moment to talk to Matt about what was going on between them, what had developed before the accident and had grown even stronger since. Kelly had been putting it off, afraid of what might happen as soon as he spoke the words aloud, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to make it official between them.

Looking up and meeting Matt’s eyes, he drew in a deep breath. The words were there on the tip of his tongue.

“So...are you gonna touch me now?” Matt asked suddenly, a spark in his eyes and a lightness in his voice that Kelly had missed. “I mean, I’m wondering if we’re going to be able to finish what we started...well, what I started, I suppose.” He shrugged one shoulder and Kelly couldn’t resist him. He surged forward and kissed him desperately. He pulled Matt close so their bodies were flush and his arms wrapped around Matt’s back. He wanted this forever, the two of them wrapped up in one another. There were still things left unspoken between them, words he needed to say and things he hoped to hear in return, but they could wait. For now he was content to touch and kiss and feel every part of Matt.

Licking into Matt’s mouth, he almost moaned at the feeling of fingers digging into his shoulder and a hand travelling down his back to grip at his ass. He was obviously still naked, his cock hardening quickly where it rubbed against Matt’s thigh. The feel of Matt’s boxer-clad erection pressing against him as they moved merely spurred Kelly on and his hands slipped around Matt’s waist to pull him even closer.

They tumbled down onto the mattress, Matt wriggling out of his underwear at some point, and Matt immediately straddled Kelly’s hips, a desperation to his actions that had Kelly achingly hard and equally desperate for him. Matt leant down to run his tongue across Kelly’s chest, nipping at his skin every so often before soothing each patch with his tongue gently again. Kelly writhed beneath him, his body reacting to each stroke of Matt’s tongue or graze of his teeth. Focusing on one of Kelly’s nipples, he gently nipped at it before swirling his tongue across the sensitive skin. Kelly shuddered beneath him and his hard cock twitched against Matt’s ass, before he almost growled out a low curse at the sensations.

“Kelly...” Matt murmured from his position halfway down Kelly’s body. His warm breath tickled across the wet patch of skin he’d left behind. “Are you going to fuck me?”

Looking down his chest at where Matt was still mouthing at his skin, Kelly could hardly think clearly. “Jesus...” he breathed. “Yeah.”

Matt smirked up at him and he rolled off Kelly, reaching into his bedside drawer to pull out a bottle of lube and a condom. He dropped the condom on top of the cabinet but held out the lube to Kelly.

Kelly took his time: he manoeuvred them around and pushed Matt back against his pillow, pressing him into the mattress with his body, and kissing him deeply again. His tongue licked into Matt’s mouth as his hands wandered over his body. Eventually, he grabbed the lube and his hand nudged Matt’s thighs, spreading them apart further as his fingers teased at his balls before dipping lower and circling around his hole. Tearing his lips away from Kelly’s, Matt drew in a sharp breath at the feeling of one of Kelly’s fingers covered in cool lube pressing against his opening.

“You okay?” Kelly murmured against Matt’s ear.

Matt nodded quickly. “Yeah...I’m good. Keep going.”

Kelly kissed him again, and he wanted to pour everything he felt into it, everything he hadn’t managed to pluck up the courage to say yet. He knew he was going to - eventually - but for now, this would have to be how he showed Matt how he felt about him. At the same time, he pressed his finger against Matt’s hole again and eased it past the ring of muscle there. He worked his finger in and out, building a rhythm, before he pressed in with a second, then a third, repeating the action. A beautiful flush was spreading across Matt’s chest and up his neck and Kelly wanted to devour him as he began to fuck himself against his fingers.

“Oh…fuck,” he groaned as Kelly’s fingers grazed across his prostate.

Kelly felt his own cock jolt at the reaction. Matt was going to be the death of him and he’d die happy if that was the case.

It seemed like Matt was done with waiting and he reached for the condom on the nightstand. Kelly took it from him and quickly ripped it open before he carefully rolled it on to his cock. He squeezed out more lube into his hand and gave himself a few long strokes to cover the condom. Leaning over Matt and supporting himself on one elbow, he gazed down at him for a moment as he touched himself. ‘Fuck, he’s so gorgeous,’ Kelly thought to himself as he watched as Matt pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and his eyes drifted down to watch the way his hand moved over his dick.

After a few rough strokes, Kelly leant closer again, once more claiming Matt’s mouth in a deep kiss. Then he moved away from his lips and kissed his way along Matt’s jawline.

“Ready?” he whispered against Matt’s ear, before he nipped at his ear lobe and tugged gently.

Matt gave him a look that was almost a warning to just get on with it and stop fussing and Kelly didn’t need telling twice.

Matt let his thighs fall open as Kelly settled between them once more. Then he wrapped his legs around Kelly’s waist as Kelly grabbed the base of his cock to guide it towards his waiting hole. Steadily, Kelly pushed forward into the slick opening and he forced himself to take his time. No matter what Matt told him, or how he might want to urge Kelly on, Kelly wasn’t about to hurt him. By the time he’d bottomed out, they were both panting, a light sheen of sweat already coating their skin.

Kelly took a few deep steadying breaths before he began to roll his hips. Matt ran his fingers across the muscles of his back and Kelly felt his skin tingle beneath his touch. The rhythm was slow and shallow to begin with, but eventually Matt squeezed his thighs more tightly around Kelly’s waist.

“Come on, Kelly,” he urged. “Fuck me...come on.”

Kelly grunted loudly at his words but didn’t need any further encouragement. On the next thrust, he pushed deeper, then drew back further and slammed his hips forward again. Matt’s back arched up from his bed and he moaned long and loud as Kelly repeated his actions again and again.

“Fucking…ah…yes!” Matt cried out as Kelly’s cock brushed against his prostate.

His blunt fingernails dug into the damp skin of Kelly’s back as he cried out with each thrust of Kelly’s hips.

Kelly couldn’t resist the urge to lean down to kiss him, his tongue diving into Matt’s mouth desperately. The shift in angle made his cock drive even deeper inside and Matt’s dick was trapped between the heat of their bodies, the friction of their stomachs seemingly driving Matt closer to his orgasm.

Kelly pulled his lips away from Matt’s and gazed down at him: his face flushed, lips parted in ecstasy, his head thrown back against his pillow as he gasped in pleasure. Groaning low in his throat, he felt the rush of pleasure flood through him and his cock pulsed inside Matt as he came. He continued to thrust his hips but his movements had lost their rhythm as he shuddered through his orgasm.

It took Kelly a moment to come back to himself and then he realised that Matt was still beneath him, still desperately chasing his own release and he reached between them and took Matt’s cock firmly in his hand. He pumped his fist up the shaft as he lifted his head from Matt’s sweaty neck to look down at him. Part of him wanted to just blurt it out: I love you, Matt. But he knew it wasn’t the right moment, no matter how amazing Matt looked as he got lost in his pleasure, or how everything about him was the perfect match for Kelly, or how much he just wanted to say it: a declaration of love during sex, when they’d never even mentioned it before, would not go down well.

“Come on, Matt,” he urged: his mouth hovering near Matt’s ear, his voice low, his own body still thrumming with the feeling of his orgasm. “I want to see you come for me.”

Matt’s eyes squeezed shut and his mouth opened around a silent moan as he drew in a sharp breath, arched his back and came all over Kelly’s fist. He shuddered through it, gasping and writhing, chasing every last moment of sheer bliss, before he collapsed boneless against the mattress, panting heavily.

Kelly leant his head against Matt’s chest for a long moment before he pulled away and pushed himself up from the bed to dispose of the condom and grab a wash cloth from the bathroom. When he returned, Matt had his arms thrown up around his head, stretching out and giving Kelly an eyeful that nearly had him climbing back into bed for a second round.

“I’ve missed that,” Matt commented when he saw Kelly admiring the view.

“Me too,” Kelly agreed. He had missed it. It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to have sex, but he’d just been worrying about Matt. The morning’s activities had certainly reminded him of what he was missing.

He wandered back over to the bed and handed Matt the cloth so he could wipe the come off his stomach and chest. Then he plopped down on the edge of the bed and turned a little to face Matt.

Matt smiled at him fondly and reached out a hand to run across Kelly’s shoulder and down his arm.

“Do you want to talk about whatever it was that was upsetting you so much in your dream this morning?” he asked carefully.

Kelly’s heart stuttered in his chest and he turned away from Matt. Everything good about the morning was washed away as he felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over him at the reminder of the nightmare.

Matt’s face covered in blood. Matt’s eyes closed with no sign of life. Matt dying without knowing that Kelly loved him. It all flashed in front of his eyes again and he stood up quickly.

“Not right now,” he said bluntly. “I’ve gotta get a shower before shift.”

“Kelly...” Matt called from behind him.

He stopped and turned slightly, not wanting Matt to see the haunted look he was sure would be in his eyes.

“Let’s go out when I’m off shift,” he said, grasping for anything that would be a distraction. “We need to celebrate you getting the all clear and going back to work.”

“Yeah?” Matt asked and his eyes lit up. It seemed he’d already forgotten the awkward moment.

“Yeah,” Kelly said with a nod. “We deserve a treat.”

Matt’s smile was enough to chase away some of the horror from his nightmares for a while. And Kelly had made his decision: he was going to take Matt out and tell him how he felt about him. No more excuses, no more wasting time.

 


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments so far! You’ve really encouraged me to keep going with this!

The restaurant had been the perfect choice. They’d had a great evening and, for the first time, Kelly felt like they were actually a couple. 

He’d felt like that before: when they’d shared soft moments at Matt’s place; when they’d started staying over instead of leaving after they’d had sex; when Kelly had practically moved in with Matt after his injury. Obviously they’d been out together before, just the two of them, or in with the crowd at Molly’s, but those evenings had always felt more like they were friends hanging out, who were going home to fuck in secret afterwards. And that had been a thrill. But they’d not really had many evenings out that he would call ‘dates’ like a real couple would go on. And that was exactly what their evening felt like. 

Matt had been relaxed and happy and he was clearly buzzing with the prospect of getting back to work. They’d laughed and flirted and more than once they’d slipped into comfortable silence, just looking at one another softly over the table. 

It was the perfect moment to talk to Matt about what they were to one another. 

Or it had been. 

The guy sitting diagonally behind Matt had grabbed Kelly’s attention because he’d been looking at them across the restaurant from the moment he’d walked in and sat down opposite his wife. Then his looking had turned into glaring and Kelly had very quickly got the message. He wasn’t about to let some homophobic bastard ruin his evening with Matt, but at the same time, he was very aware of the hate-filled stares being sent their way. It wasn’t even like they were being overly affectionate - neither of them were big on being too touchy-feely in public - but it was probably obvious that they were on a date. And suddenly, Kelly didn’t want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with Matt about feelings and wanting to be together properly in the restaurant anymore, so he decided they’d wait until they left. Maybe a nice walk would be an ideal opportunity anyway. He almost sighed out loud at yet another thing getting in his way, but he was determined that he was going to talk to Matt about everything and he was going to do it that night. Nothing was going to stop him. He’d been putting it off for too long and he knew he couldn’t afford to keep doing that, no matter how scared he was that Matt might reject him. Life was too short and he’d wasted too many chances as it was. He never wanted his nightmares about Matt dying and him never telling him the truth to become reality. 

They paid for their meal and Kelly stood up leading the way towards the door. They had to pass the scowling man’s table and as they went, the man gave them a sideways look to show his contempt. Kelly was beyond their table when he heard the muttered “disgusting” from the man and he clenched his fists in anger. But he wasn’t going to react. It wasn’t the first time some bigoted asshole had made comments about him, or Matt, and he knew that getting into a argument with the guy wasn’t going to do anyone any favours. 

It didn’t seem that Matt felt the same. 

“What the hell did you just say?” Matt growled out. 

Kelly spun around to find Matt standing beside the man’s table glaring down at him. 

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Matt snapped at the man. His eyes were narrowed and he looked ready for a fight. 

Kelly quickly closed the small distance between them to stand beside Matt. He reached out and laid his hand on Matt’s arm. “Come on,” he said quietly. “Just leave it, yeah?” 

Shaking his head, Matt refused to take his eyes off the man at the table. “No, I want to hear what this asshole has to say.”

The man pushed up from his chair suddenly and stood facing Matt. The whole restaurant had fallen silent as everyone waited and watched the drama unfolding. 

“I don’t have anything to say,” the man said. His voice was dripping with condescension and his face showed exactly what he thought of the two of them, but he obviously wasn’t confident enough to say it to their faces. “Now if you’ll stop making a scene, I can go back to my dinner with my wife.”

Matt scoffed loudly at his words and glanced down at the woman, who was looking mortified by the whole situation. 

“I’m sure she can’t wait to spend the evening with a homophobic prick like you,” he remarked and Kelly was shocked to see that he was actually smiling as he spoke. It was a horrible smile and for a moment Kelly didn’t recognise him. 

He stepped slightly in front of Matt and tugged on his arm a little. “Let’s go,” he urged. “It’s not worth it.”

“Run along with your boyfriend,” the man spat the words from behind Kelly’s back, his voice was full of disdain. “I’d like to be able to enjoy my meal without having the likes of you in here.”

Matt’s eyes flashed and he lunged around Kelly, shoving the man in the chest and sending him tumbling backwards onto his table. Drinks and food were sent flying everywhere and the man’s wife screamed in shock. 

Matt moved to go towards him again and Kelly grabbed his arm and pulled him backwards. Matt’s face was distorted in anger and his eyes snapped to Kelly’s. 

“Do you wanna get yourself suspended before you’re even back on shift?” Kelly hissed at him angrily. He was mad now too: upset that their evening had been ruined; pissed that his chance to talk to Matt was gone again; furious at the man and his stupid, ignorant opinions; and angry that Matt had reacted the way he had. 

Matt looked at him and frowned before he allowed himself to be pulled towards the exit and out into the street, leaving the man and the mess far behind. 

“Can you believe that guy?” Matt asked as soon as they were outside. “What an ass.”

Kelly just shook his head at him and started walking back towards his car.

“What are you doing?” Matt asked as he jogged to catch up with him and walk alongside him. “I thought we were going for a walk.”

Shaking his head again, Kelly didn’t even look at him. “I don’t feel like it. Let’s just go home,” he replied quietly. 

***

The drive back to Matt’s house was quiet. 

Kelly was aware of Matt looking over at him as he drove, but he kept his eyes on the road. His mind was racing. Whatever had come over Matt that evening was completely out of character. Sure he was hot-headed at times and he hated injustice and he wasn’t afraid to tell someone what he thought of them, but he didn’t usually get into fights - or nearly get into fights - in restaurants just because of one stupid comment. They’d been through it before - worse, in fact - and they’d walked away. Kelly hated it: he didn’t enjoy people thinking it was alright to judge him because of who he was attracted to, but he’d learnt over time (just like he thought Matt had) that it was easier to walk away and not engage with people like that. They’d never win that battle. 

When they walked into the house, Matt turned to him immediately as Kelly took off his jacket. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked bluntly. 

Kelly sighed heavily and shrugged. He didn’t know where to begin: something was wrong and he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. But the Matt he’d witnessed tonight wasn’t the same man he loved. And that was just something else that had messed up their date. He was supposed to be telling Matt how he felt, and hopefully hearing the words repeated back to him, but instead they’d ended up at the same position they’d started on that night, except maybe a step back from that because Kelly was annoyed and wound up and Matt didn’t seem to see what was wrong about what had happened.

“Come on,” Matt insisted. “You’ve obviously got something you want to say.”

Kelly shook his head in despair. “Yeah, I’ve got something to say. What the hell was that all about with that guy in the restaurant?”

Matt’s eyes widened in surprise. “Are you kidding? He was a jackass and I wasn’t going to let him get away with his bullshit.”

“You should’ve just let it go. We were having a nice evening and you ruined it.”

“ _I_ ruined it?” Matt exclaimed. “I wasn’t the one mouthing off. He deserved it and far worse. You shouldn’t have stopped me.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kelly erupted. He’d finally had enough. He couldn’t go on like this. Everything that had been building in his head and his heart over the last few months was ready to explode. “You’ve always had a temper and I’ve seen you get pissed off before, and, yeah, that guy was a complete jerk, but what you did tonight was just...not you. I’ve never seen you behave like that before. You didn’t need to do that. You could’ve just walked away.”

“What like you?” Matt threw back at him angrily. “I never knew you were a coward, Kelly. Walking away when he needed teaching a lesson. Why should I let him get away with that?”

Kelly felt his own temper flare at Matt’s words. He needed to walk away before he said something he might regret. Matt had lost his cool for the second time that night and Kelly needed time to think. He turned to grab his jacket and walk out, but Matt moved around him quickly and blocked his path. 

“So what? You’re going to walk away again? Is this why you don’t do relationships? Because you can’t handle it when things get tough?”

Kelly felt the words like a physical punch to the gut and he actually flinched. How could Matt think that? How could he say those words to him? Maybe he really was completely alone in what he felt. 

He didn’t want Matt to see how much his words had hurt him. His defences kicked in and he lashed out with his own words. 

“Hey! Whatever the hell is going on with you, don’t take it out on me, alright? I’m not the bad guy here. I’ve done nothing but stick by you, so you don’t get to talk to me like shit.”

Silence fell between them as the words hung in the air. 

Matt’s face fell: the anger faded quickly and he looked shocked by his own outburst and Kelly’s response. 

“Kelly...” he started. “I’m sorry. That was...unfair of me. I shouldn’t have said it.”

Kelly blinked a few times. He didn’t know what to say anymore. Every time he’d tried to do or say the right thing, it didn’t work or got messed up, and maybe it was time to give up. Maybe Matt was right; maybe he was too much of a coward to make a relationship with Matt work. 

He stepped backwards away from Matt. 

“Please, Kelly. Don’t go.”

Matt was watching him with wide eyes like he was scared that Kelly was going to slip away from him and disappear for good. 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore,” Kelly sighed. He knew he sounded defeated; he felt it.

Matt looked incredibly guilty and turned his eyes to the floor. “It’s nothing...I’ve just...it’s just been tough since I got hurt. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” He finally looked up and tried for a tiny smile. 

And Kelly couldn’t stop his heart beating just a little faster. He loved Matt so much. 

“I think...” he paused, his nerves almost getting the better of him, but he pushed it down. He had to do this now - whatever was going on, wasn’t enough to stop him. He needed to tell Matt how he felt and then whatever else was happening, they could work through it together. “I think we need to talk about what happened on the morning before you got injured.”

Matt frowned and looked at Kelly warily. 

“What do you mean?”

“That morning...do you remember what you said?”

Matt stepped away from him and walked towards the kitchen, but then turned back to face him. “Of course I do,” he said. Kelly couldn’t help but notice how he wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

“Well, we haven’t talked about it since. And...well I didn’t handle it very well. And then...I nearly lost you and it made me realise that what you’d said was what I wanted too.” He breathed out a sigh of relief. He’d done it - finally. 

But his relief was short-lived as Matt rubbed his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, I...um...I don’t want to do this right now. Let’s just leave it, yeah?” 

Kelly felt his face fall: the crushing disappointment at Matt’s easy dismissal hurting him deeply. 

Matt finally looked up at Kelly and he must have seen the look of heartache on Kelly’s face - there was no hiding it. He shook his head and quickly walked past Kelly and made his way up the stairs without another word. 

Kelly watched him disappear, wandered over to the couch and sank down on it. He stared at the opposite wall and wondered where he’d gone wrong, when he’d completely misread Matt, and how he’d allowed himself to fall so hard for someone who clearly didn’t feel the same. 


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely feedback! You’ve really encouraged me to keep going with this story. 
> 
> Apologies for leaving it in such a sad place at the end of the last chapter! Let’s see if they manage to make any progress in this one...

The last few days had been weird, to say the least. 

Slumped on Matt’s couch, Kelly had stared into space for a while after the other man had disappeared upstairs. He’d lost track of time. But then, when he’d come back to himself and been able to focus on anything other than the way his heart was hurting, he’d pushed himself up off the couch and walked out of the door. He’d gone back to his and Shay’s apartment and shut himself in his room, not even wanting to talk to his best friend about what had happened. He hadn’t known the words to use to explain. 

Fortunately, he’d been back on shift the next morning so he had that to focus on. Unfortunately, but he’d known that wasn’t fair to think of it like that, it had been Matt’s first day back at work and Kelly had cringed as soon as he’d seen the other man walking through the door. He’d made himself scarce while everyone had cheered and patted Casey on the back like the returning hero he was, and he’d hoped that no-one had noticed him slipping away quietly, but he’d had no such luck. 

The Chief, of all people, had spotted him slinking away to avoid being confronted by everything, so he could lick his wounds in private and try to forget the night before had happened (or maybe it was the months and months before he’d wanted to forget - that way he never would’ve fallen in love with Matt in the first place). 

Boden had approached him with that knowing look on his face and he’d eyed Kelly closely. There had been concern and sympathy in his dark eyes and Kelly had hated it, because he wasn’t someone who needed sympathy. He wasn’t that guy. 

“It’s fine, Chief,” Kelly had told him immediately, not even waiting for a question to be asked. 

Boden had looked at him steadily. “Are we going to have a problem?”

Kelly had shaken his head quickly. He’d known he was a coward, but he’d hardly been able to look Boden in the eye. “Not on my end,” he’d replied. “Things just...well, it didn’t work out the way I thought it might. It’s fine.” If he repeated it enough, he’d hoped it might become the truth. 

Boden had nodded once and looked at Kelly for a long moment, then thankfully he’d turned and walked away without saying anything else.

Kelly had sagged, his shoulders slumping, as soon as the Chief had turned his back. He’d felt exhausted and it had only been a few mere hours since he’d left Matt’s place. He hadn’t known how he’d make it through days, or maybe weeks, of feeling like this. He had no idea how long it took to get over someone - not really. Because he’d never loved anyone the way he loved Matt. 

***

That first shift together had actually been easier than he’d expected. Kelly had kept to the Squad table as much as possible and Casey (because it was easier to think of him in a professional manner - ‘always, from now on,’ he’d thought to himself) had been so busy catching up with everyone, their paths had hardly crossed. And that had been good. 

They’d had a few call-outs, it had kept them occupied, and Kelly had been relieved by how easily they’d slipped back into the usual well-oiled machine that they were. They were just two lieutenants leading their men and working alongside one another. 

It was easy when they were out at an incident: easy to shout orders and plans to one another. It was actually talking that was the problem. Talking about feelings and taking that terrifying step to lay it all out on the line for the other one to brush aside like it meant nothing seemed scarier than running into any burning building. And, Kelly had mused to himself, it had gone as horribly as he’d been afraid it might, so he’d been proved right. Except it wasn’t something that filled him with any sense of triumph. 

The worst part of the whole shift had been the expectant gazes and frowns and not-so-discreet conversations from various members of the house whenever Kelly walked by or when Casey had asked Kelly for something and it had been like they weren’t even friends, let alone anything more. He’d known it was because after Matt’s accident the whole House was rooting for them to get together properly and he’d understood their confusion about why they clearly hadn’t made it work. They’d all known about Kelly moving into Casey’s while he’d been recovering and he’d heard them gossiping about how they’d make a great couple but imagine the blazing arguments they’d be having, and he’d smiled along, even though he wasn’t supposed to know about it, because he’d been able to imagine it too. So their confused, concerned faces had merely matched his own feelings, except his were so much worse.

The shift had gone by in a bit of blur and he’d just been glad to get to the end of it. 

When it had been over, he’d dragged his feet getting dressed into his regular clothes to give Casey time to leave before him. Then he’d followed and headed over to Casey’s house. 

He’d parked outside, taken some deep breaths and steadied his nerves before he’d made his way up to the front door. 

Matt - no, Casey - had frowned when he’d opened it to find Kelly standing outside and he’d supposed it was to be expected seeing as he had his own key. 

“I’m just here to get my stuff,” he’d said simply. 

Casey hadn’t reacted at all - not that Kelly would have noticed seeing as he’d made a conscious effort not to look him in the eye - and had stepped aside as Kelly had walked in and headed straight up the stairs. 

When he’d got everything and made his way back downstairs, Casey had been standing in his living room. 

“What are you doing?” he’d asked and he’d sounded genuinely confused and maybe a little hurt, and Kelly hadn’t known how he had the nerve to feel like that. He’d made his feelings pretty clear the night before when he’d ignored Kelly’s declaration so surely he had to accept that Kelly was only doing what he was to save them any further awkwardness. 

“Just getting my stuff,” Kelly had replied. He’d still avoided looking at Matt’s face. “Pretty sure you don’t want my stuff in your way now you’re back on your feet.”

It had been the perfect excuse really: Casey was back at work, which meant he was back to normal, which meant Kelly didn’t need to stay with him anymore, which meant he could pretend that the only reason he’d ever moved in was because he was being a ‘good friend’. 

“Oh,” Casey had replied and it had sounded like he had no idea what else he was supposed to say to that. 

Kelly had turned to leave, desperate to get away from the situation before he shattered into a million pieces, but Casey had called out to him. 

“I’m...about last night...”

“Yeah,” Kelly had interrupted him. He hadn’t wanted to go over it: it had hurt too much the first time around. “It’s fine. No worries...I’ll, um, I’ll see you...at work.”

He’d rushed to the door and straight out to his car before Casey had been able to get another word out. 

And then he’d gone back to his own place and tried to forget. 

***

The week or so after Kelly had left had crawled by. 

Being back on shift at 51 was such a good feeling and Matt was sure he’d never take it for granted again. He’d been so glad to be back at work that the feeling had almost compensated for the fact that something else was missing. Kelly was missing. And Matt knew he’d done something wrong. 

The problem was he couldn’t figure out what it was. 

He’d spent a lot of time since the accident carefully avoiding anything that would arouse suspicion about the severity of his injuries. He hadn’t lied to the doctors - that would’ve been stupid and dangerous - but he hadn’t been completely honest with everyone else. 

He’d known that Boden wouldn’t be overly impressed with him getting back to work so quickly if he knew Matt had found blood dribbling out of his ear one morning. And he knew his crew would be worried if they discovered that he couldn’t even remember the combination for his locker and sometimes he just felt like his temper was out of control and he just wanted to snap at someone. And he knew that Kelly would be concerned if he found out that Matt couldn’t remember the days leading up to the fire. So he’d kept it to himself - all of it. 

The problem was...it was getting harder to hide. 

Kelly’s question the night he’d left - “do you remember what you said?” - had sent Matt into a silent panic. No, he couldn’t remember what he’d said that morning. He couldn’t remember anything from at least two days before the fire; he couldn’t remember the incident which had left him in the hospital; and he couldn’t remember some things since. Did he want Kelly to know any that? Of course not. So he’d panicked and probably not reacted in the best way, but he hadn’t had time to think of a better way out of it so he’d basically ignored Kelly’s questions and his words and his earnest face, shrugging him off like he meant nothing and hiding upstairs like a coward. He hadn’t even properly registered what Kelly had been saying to him after his initial question, seeing as his mind was desperately trying to grab hold of something useful that might help him keep up his charade, but as he’d got more frustrated with his own inability to remember, he’d felt himself getting more wound up and more afraid and he’d just ran away instead of facing it.

He’d sat upstairs in his bedroom wondering what he might say to Kelly to try to explain why he’d acted like he had and started to come to the conclusion that maybe - despite the fact that he didn’t want to - he needed to be honest with Kelly. It wasn’t fair to keep him in the dark and treat him like he was. 

By the time he’d decided what he was going to say and made his way downstairs, Kelly was gone. 

He hadn’t contacted him - maybe he was too scared to admit what was really going on, or maybe it was that he was too scared to admit how he felt. Either way, he’d left it. 

And then they’d been back on shift and Matt had been surrounded by his teammates and caught up in the excitement of finally being back at work and he’d hardly seen Kelly throughout all of it. Briefly, he’d wondered if that was what Kelly wanted, but he hadn’t had time to dwell on it. 

The week had gone by slowly and Matt had settled back into his routine. He’d not slept well and he wasn’t sure if it was the readjustment to his shift pattern, the fact that his head still didn’t feel right, or the Kelly shaped space in his bed that was disturbing his sleep. Maybe it was all three. 

And then the Chief had asked for his incident report about the night of his injury. Seeing as he was now back at work, paperwork needed to be completed and filed for the CFD’s records and Matt had to be the one to write the report. 

Except he couldn’t remember what had happened. And that was...problematic. He couldn’t fill in a report about an event he couldn’t recall and, if he told Boden that, red flags would be raised and the Chief would want him to get checked over again and he’d be off duty and back to square one. And it would all be for nothing because he was fine. 

He had no choice. He needed to get help with writing the report which meant he needed to ask someone to help him. His first thought had been Kelly, but seeing as things between them had been so weird and Matt still hadn’t figured out how to approach him and explain himself, he couldn’t go to him for help. Fortunately, there was someone else who he knew he’d be able to rely on. 

“Herrmann,” he called as he saw the other man walking past his quarters. 

“Hey, Lieutenant,” he said as he turned and stopped in the doorway. “How’s the first week back been treating you?”

Matt nodded once and smiled. “It’s been good to be back. Didn’t realise it was possible to miss something quite so much.”

Herrmann nodded in understanding and stepped further into the room when Matt beckoned him inside. 

“Listen, Herrmann, I need to ask a favour,” Matt began, his voice low so as not to be overheard. He contemplated shutting the door but thought that might raise more questions than necessary. “I, um, I could do with some help writing my incident report...you know, from the night of my injury.”

“Help?” Herrmann asked doubtfully.

“Yeah, well, I’ve...I’ve been having some trouble remembering what happened. And I know you were with me so...could you help me complete the report?”

Herrmann frowned and looked concerned. It was exactly the look that Matt didn’t want to see on anyone’s face. 

“Is it just that day you can’t remember?”

Matt didn’t want to lie - not directly. And maybe it would help to tell someone about it. Maybe Herrmann would just shrug and say it was perfectly normal. 

“I don’t know,” he muttered. “The day of the fire. A couple of days from before that. Odd bits here and there.” He watched Herrmann’s face closely to see his reaction, but Herrmann just continued to frown. 

“Have you told anyone else about this?” he eventually asked. 

Matt shook his head. He was suddenly worried that he’d made a huge mistake talking to Herrmann about this. 

“No. If Boden finds out, he’ll have me going for loads more tests. And I’m fine - I’ve been cleared for duty by the doctors so there’s no need to fuss.”

The frown didn’t leave Herrmann’s face but he looked a little uncomfortable suddenly. His face scrunched up and he scratched the back of his head. “Ah, well, what about Severide?”

Matt almost flinched at the question. “What about him?” he asked. He knew he sounded blunt, but he hadn’t told Kelly for a reason and the last thing he needed was Herrmann running off to tell him, thinking he was doing him a favour. 

“Well,” and again Herrmann looked uncomfortable, “maybe you should talk to him about it.”

Matt shook his head again. He had to act like it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t - everything was fine. “Nah, if I tell Severide he’ll just worry.”

The frown on Herrmann’s face deepened. He looked truly perplexed for a moment. “Well, that is usually what happens when you care about someone,” he remarked. 

The words caught Matt completely off-guard. Suddenly, he wanted to ask Herrmann what he meant: he wanted him to explain. But he didn’t have time for that. He couldn’t get side-tracked, as much as he wanted to, when he needed to focus on keeping everything on track.

“Look, Herrmann, can you help me with the report?” he asked, trying to bring the conversation back to what it should have been about. 

Herrmann stared at him closely before he eventually nodded. “Sure, I will.”

“Thanks,” Matt said with a nod before he turned back to his desk.

“But...” Herrmann began and Matt twisted to look at him again. “I really think you should talk to Severide about what’s going on. I’m sure he’d want to know.”

Turning and walking out of his quarters before Matt had time to respond, Herrmann left him to his thoughts. 

And suddenly, all he wanted was Kelly. 

***

Another night sitting on the couch didn’t really appeal to Kelly. 

He’d done that a lot since he’d moved back into the apartment with Shay and while he’d needed that at first, he didn’t want to spend all his free time moping. That wasn’t what he did. Or it wasn’t how he’d ever done things before anyway. 

Part of the problem was he didn’t actually think that he and Casey had ‘broken up’. How could you break up if you’d never been together properly? Because they hadn’t. They’d never given it a name or made it official or had that ever-elusive conversation about feelings. 

So why did it feel like a break-up? And why did it hurt so damn much? 

He still couldn’t believe he’d got it so wrong. And he still couldn’t accept how easily Casey had swept it all to the side like it meant nothing. Maybe it had meant nothing and Kelly had just been an idiot. 

He needed to get himself out of the cycle of thoughts he was in. He wasn’t getting anywhere and going over and over it in his head wasn’t helping. But he couldn’t let it go. Something just wasn’t right. At some moments, he was tempted to just go over to Casey’s and have it out with him. It might make things awkward between them - not that he felt like it could get more weird - but at least then he’d know. But he always talked himself out of it. Maybe he really was a coward. 

“Let’s head out tonight,” he said to Shay as she flopped down on the couch beside him, beer in hand.

She handed him one too and raised an eyebrow at him. “Molly’s?” she asked.

“Nah,” Kelly replied. “We should head to a club.”

Shay looked at him steadily, taking a sip from her bottle. “You want to go clubbing?”

Kelly shrugged. He didn’t like her looking at him like that: he knew she was scrutinising him. 

He’d decided he just wanted to head out, instead of sulking at home, for a night out when he’d hopefully get so drunk he’d forget the name Matthew Casey (at least for a little while). And maybe he’d find someone who could help him with his plan while he was out. That was what he needed - obviously.

Shay was still watching him. She had been her usual supportive self. She’d given him space when he’d needed it, then she’d dragged him out of his bedroom and made him talk to her. He’d opened up and she’d listened and advised as much as possible, but she’d just generally been a rock for him. Now, she was staring at him like she knew exactly what was going on inside his head. Eventually, she patted him on the knee. 

“Hey, if you’re looking for someone to help you drown your sorrows, I’m your gal,” she told him. “But if you want me to come along and watch you flirt your way into someone else’s pants in some stupid attempt to get over Casey...I can’t do that.”

Kelly blinked at her in surprise: firstly that she knew what he was thinking, and secondly that she wasn’t going to go along with it.

“Why?” he asked. 

Shay sighed heavily and shook her head like she despaired of Kelly and his situation, but he knew she was just being overdramatic for the sake of it. “Because,” she started and she dragged the word out. “As much as I’m not some soppy romantic, I think what you have - or could have - with Casey is the real deal and I can’t let you throw that away because you’re hurting.”

Kelly gaped at her and then averted his eyes. How the hell was she so perceptive? He didn’t want her to see the pain in his eyes so he avoided looking at her. 

“Kelly,” she said gently. “Don’t try to pretend you’re fine - you don’t have to do that with me. And you know it doesn’t wash.” She snuggled down on the couch beside him and laid her head against his shoulder. “You love him,” she said quietly. “And you just need to figure out what to do about that. But going out and doing what you’re thinking of doing, would be a huge mistake. And you know that.”

Releasing a long sigh, Kelly rested his cheek against the top of her head. He loved Shay. And she was right. He squeezed his eyes closed and wished he knew what to do. 

***

The locker room was deserted and Matt was glad. He didn’t need anyone watching him as he stared down at the padlock on his locker and cursed himself for not being able to remember the combination again. It had been the same for years, how could he have forgotten it? It took him a few twists of the lock and some frustrated huffing and puffing, but finally it clicked and the lock came loose. Thank god: he hadn’t been too keen on the idea of secretly having to cut another one off. 

When he slammed the door shut after shoving his bag inside, he jumped slightly at the sight of Shay standing watching him from behind where his door had been open. 

She blinked at him and tilted her head to the side slightly like she was looking for something.

“Kelly and I have this deal,” she began without any other introduction. “We don’t interfere in each other’s business, you know, personal lives, dramas, all that stuff.” She waved her hand around in front of her. “But...I’m breaking it for his own good.” She looked at him steadily. “Whatever is going on with you, I think you need to talk to Kelly. He’d be so pissed at me if I knew I’d spoken to you, but...he’s miserable and I really don’t like seeing him like that. He deserves better.”

Matt looked down at the floor to avoid her eyes. It was as if she could read him completely. “There’s nothing going on with me.”

“Okay,” she huffed out. “Whatever you say. But, just so you know, I’m going out tonight, and I’m not taking Kelly with me because he’d scare everyone away with his miserable face.”

Matt looked back up at her in surprise. Shay stepped away from the lockers and backed up. “Just in case it was of interest to you...he’ll be at our place - alone.”

With that, she turned and swiftly walked out of the locker room, hands stuffed in her jacket pockets, leaving Matt with a decision to make.

***

Kelly stared at the TV without really paying it much attention. He’d been abandoned: Shay had made plans and gone off leaving him alone with his thoughts for the evening. She’d given him a funny look as she’d said goodbye and she’d glanced back at him as she’d headed out of the door, nodding once almost like she was having a silent conversation with him that he knew nothing about. It had been weird, but he’d let her go and then settled down for a night on his own. 

He was just considering grabbing his jacket and heading out to Molly’s because at least there he’d have some company, when there was a knock on the door. 

Rolling his eyes, he pushed himself off the couch and headed over to see who it was. When he pulled the door open, his eyes widened a little and his heart thudded in his chest. Casey was standing on the other side staring back at him with equally wide eyes. 

“Casey...” he started and then trailed off. He cleared his throat. “What...what are you doing here?”

“I...um...I wondered if we could...talk,” Casey replied and he sounded as unsure of himself as Kelly felt. 

Kelly didn’t reply, but he stepped to the side slightly to allow Casey to enter and then closed the door quietly behind him. He followed Casey into the living room and then they both stood hovering like they didn’t know how to behave around one another: maybe they didn’t anymore. Kelly hated it: they hadn’t been so distant since Andy had died and he’d never wanted to feel like that again. At least this time they weren’t ripping strips off one another whenever they were in the same room. This awkward silence was almost as painful though.

Casey looked up at him steadily and it seemed like he was psyching himself up for something. “When you asked me, the other day, if I remembered the morning before I got hurt...I...I panicked.”

Kelly winced at his words. He didn’t know if he could do this. If this was Casey coming over to ‘let him down gently’, he couldn’t stand there and listen to it. “Look, it’s fine. You don’t need to explain.”

Casey shook his head in frustration. “Yes, I do,” he interrupted. “And if you’d just shut up for a second, I’ll be able to.”

Kelly blinked at him in surprise. That was not what he’d been expecting. For once, he did as he was told and closed his mouth.

Casey released a long breath. “I...didn’t handle it very well and I’ve not been very good at dealing with it since. I panicked,” he repeated. “I panicked because you asked me if I remembered and...I don’t.” He looked at Kelly with a mixture of sadness and fear on his face. “I don’t remember that morning at all. And...and I didn’t want you to know because I knew you’d be worried. And I knew you’d ask more questions and I didn’t want to lie to you, I swear, but I was...I didn’t want you to know, I guess.” He tore his eyes away from Kelly and looked down at the floor like he was ashamed or embarrassed. “I can’t remember that day or the days before the fire.”

It was Kelly’s turn to feel panicked. His mind was hearing Matt’s - because suddenly he was Matt again - words over and over and of course he was worried. The man he loved was standing there telling him he had memory loss that he’d been hiding for months and maybe that meant he wasn’t as healed as everyone thought he was. 

Then his brain stalled on something: ‘the man he loved’. Matt was the person he loved and he was still standing so far away waiting for some reaction and Kelly hadn’t moved. 

He closed the distance between them in a few strides and stood in front of Matt. He didn’t touch him. 

“Hey, look at me,” he said quietly. 

Matt slowly lifted his head and he looked anxious, like everything he’d spent so long holding together was suddenly about to unravel around him.

“It’s going to be alright,” Kelly told him. “But I think we need to talk - about everything. And...it’s time we were honest.”

Matt nodded and didn’t resist when Kelly gestured towards the couch. They sat down side by side, but they still weren’t touching. 

“Talk to me,” Kelly said gently. 

Matt sighed heavily and then began to talk. “Things haven’t been quite right since I got hurt. I mean, physically I’m okay. Sometimes I get a headache, but everyone does, right? But...my memory...it just...it hasn’t been right.” He looked at Kelly and kept going. “I can’t remember the apartment fire...at all. I’ve had to ask Herrmann to help me write the report so Boden doesn’t find out. If he does, he’ll want me checked over again and I’ll be off shift until that happens and it’s nothing serious - I’m sure.”

“How much time have you lost?” Kelly asked.

Matt swallowed thickly and shrugged slightly. “That whole day - everything from that day before the fire, during the rescue. A few days before...it’s all blank. And some stuff after I woke up. Some of it kind of comes and goes...like chunks of time. But I’m sure it’ll clear up. I’m fine.”

Kelly blew out a breath. “You don’t have to keep saying that, you know?”

“But I feel okay,” Matt protested.

Kelly almost didn’t want to bring it up, braced himself for an angry reaction, but he knew he had to. “And what about your temper?”

Matt’s eyes flickered and he narrowed them at Kelly. “What do you mean?”

“Well...you’ve been losing your cool a lot more since what happened. You’ve flared up about stuff that wouldn’t have normally bothered you, or you’d have just walked away.”

“Is this about that jerk at the restaurant?” Matt asked. 

“Yeah, him. And Herrmann told me you’d yelled at some guy who didn’t want to leave his place on a call-out. And do you think I didn’t notice that one from the bank who came out looking like someone had beaten the shit out of him? No-one said anything but I saw Mouch looking at you all shifty.”

Matt looked down at his knees. 

“Whatever it is that’s going on in your head...I think you need to get checked out again.”

“I’m fine,” Matt insisted. He stood up from the couch and walked a few steps away. “It’s just taking some time to adjust and get back on track.”

“I’m worried about you,” Kelly admitted quietly. 

Matt looked at him suddenly and something flashed across his face. It was so fast that Kelly didn’t have chance to catch what emotion it was. Quickly, Matt walked back to the couch and sat down next to Kelly. 

“You asked me if I remembered that morning and I don’t,” Matt said. It was a complete change of direction and Kelly took a moment to catch up. “So tell me,” he demanded. “What was so important about that morning?”

Kelly tore his eyes away and shook his head slightly. Was it really the right time to do this? After everything that had happened and everything that kept getting in their way? 

“Please, Kelly,” Matt said and he almost sounded desperate. Kelly couldn’t refuse him. 

He sighed heavily and looked back up at Matt’s face. 

“That morning, when we woke up, you said you wished we could wake up like that every morning. And I...I wanted that too, but I didn’t tell you that. Instead, I did my usual thing, and freaked out. I left you in bed and practically ran out of the door because I was too scared to admit I felt the same. We didn’t get chance to talk about it - I didn’t get chance to apologise and tell you I wanted the same thing - because you got hurt.”

“Kelly...”

“And I’ve been trying to tell you since you woke up because it’s what I want...and I don’t know if you still want that...but I’ve been a complete idiot and I don’t want to have messed it up. I don’t want to be too late. Because that’s all I kept thinking. I nearly lost you and it would’ve been too late.”

It seemed once he’d started, the words just poured out of him. He had to do it. He had to say it all and if Matt turned him down, at least he’d been honest and tried and finally been brave enough to say it all.

“Kelly, I want you too,” Matt interrupted finally. 

Kelly looked up at him and he knew he must have looked shocked because he felt it and Matt was smiling back at him like he was a complete idiot, but an idiot he loved. 

“Whatever made me say it that morning...it was the truth. I want this.” He waved his hand between them. “I want us - properly.”

Kelly beamed at him and huffed out a slightly overwhelmed laugh. 

“Am I dreaming?” he asked. “Because it wouldn’t be the first time.”

Matt shook his head and leaned in quickly. He pressed his lips to Kelly’s and smiled into the kiss. His hands ran up Kelly’s thighs and then reached up to hold the side of his face as he kissed him more deeply. 

“Not dreaming,” Kelly murmured as they parted slightly. 

“But perfect,” Matt replied quietly.

They kissed again and then wrapped their arms around one another as Kelly dragged Matt in to hold him close. He breathed in the scent of Matt as he closed his eyes and just revelled in the moment. His fingers brushed through Matt’s hair and he found the still-raised scar running from behind his ear and up the side of his skull. 

Matt had said it was perfect and maybe the moment was. But Kelly wasn’t going to pretend everything was alright. Matt still wasn’t back to normal and Kelly was still worried about him. Despite the fact that they’d finally got themselves sorted and seemed to be on the same page, Kelly knew Matt wasn’t going to accept that he needed some help. He was too stubborn and too proud, but Kelly was stubborn too and he wasn’t about to the let the man he loved slip away from him ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been rewatching (partly for research purposes for this fic) and just rewatched season 3 episode 1 so have had some serious Shay feelings over the last couple of days - I miss her! :(
> 
> We’re not done with this fic yet, by the way!


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to update. Real life has been...busy. 
> 
> But here we are at the final chapter. Thank you so much for the lovely feedback and support on this fic. I’d love to write more Casey/Severide fic in the future so hopefully I’ll be back! 
> 
> This chapter features the episode with the blackout but I’ve not included what happened to Katie with Keeler because I really felt like the focus had to be on Matt and Kelly’s storyline without adding any further angst.

Waking up beside Matt again, after their time apart, had become something Kelly cherished. Since they’d talked and shared their fears and worries, and Matt had confessed that he’d been struggling more than he’d been letting on, they’d spent every possible night together. The fact that they’d slipped back into it so easily just seemed to prove how much they were meant for one another, how much they belonged together. 

Kelly seemed to wake up before Matt most mornings. He didn’t mind. It gave him chance to just look at Matt and soak in the feeling of warmth that flooded him whenever he felt Matt pressed against his side or spooned up against him. 

Matt seemed so peaceful in sleep and Kelly appreciated those moments more than ever now he knew just how much Matt had been struggling. When Matt woke up, Kelly knew he’d be back to pretending he was fine and putting on a good front for everyone watching him. He didn’t pretend for Kelly, or at least he didn’t as much anymore. He was still Matt, after all: still stubborn and headstrong and proud. He was still refusing to believe that there was anything wrong with him. He still didn’t like Kelly fussing or worrying about him. He still kept saying that he was ‘fine’ and that surely it was ‘perfectly normal’ to have gaps in his memory after he’d had such an injury. 

And Kelly was still worried about him.

But he didn’t push too much. He didn’t want Matt to start keeping things from him anymore than he already was. He knew Matt wasn’t being completely honest with him about everything he was experiencing but he also recognised that Matt had at least told him the truth about the memory loss and he looked at Kelly for help if something was obviously missing from his mind and he would admit when he had a headache. 

And that was definitely something. 

Kelly watched as Matt’s nose wrinkled a little as he started to slowly wake up. He smiled softly to himself. He was so in love with Matt - he didn’t know how he’d ever thought he could give him up. 

Letting out a soft sigh, Matt’s eyelids fluttered open and he squinted up at Kelly. 

“Watching me sleep again?” he grumbled, his voice low and sleep gravelly. 

“Can’t help it,” Kelly replied quietly. He reached up and stroked his fingers through Matt’s hair where it was flat against his forehead. “You look so cute when you’re sleeping.”

Matt narrowed his eyes at him. “Cute? That is not...” He blew out a breath. “I don’t even know what to say about that.”

Kelly chuckled at Matt’s disgruntled face. “Anyway, it’s not my fault I always wake up before you.”

Matt just huffed at him and closed his eyes again, snuggling down against his pillow. 

Pressing a quick kiss to his forehead, Kelly threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. He’d go and get showered, leaving Matt to either wake himself up properly or fall back to sleep - they seemed to have fallen into an easy routine on the mornings when they were on starting a shift, and Kelly couldn’t help but feel contented about it. 

When he wandered back through to the bedroom, Matt had clearly gone for the more sleep option. Kelly decided to get dressed before disturbing him, but as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, Matt gasped awake and looked around the room with slightly wide eyes. He looked confused for a moment as he blinked rapidly and Kelly stepped up to the bed. 

“Hey...you okay?” he asked.

Matt’s eyes moved quickly before they settled on Kelly and he forced a smile onto his face. “Fine,” he replied immediately. 

Kelly sagged a little. Matt’s response was the one he hated, not because he wanted Matt to feel bad or be suffering, but because he just wanted Matt to actually tell him when he wasn’t alright. Matt’s abrupt ‘fine’ was the one he gave to everyone when they asked him how he was and he just wanted Matt to trust him, have enough faith in him to tell him how he was really feeling. He didn’t want to be fobbed off like everyone else. 

“Better get up,” Matt said as he pushed the duvet away. “Get some coffee going, will you?”

Kelly watched as Matt swung his legs over the side of the bed and pushed himself up. Then he watched as Matt wobbled and his legs seemed to give out beneath him, his eyes rolling back a little as he slumped. 

Kelly felt like his own heart had stopped for a moment as he watched. 

Then he dived forward and caught Matt under his arm as he fell, wrapping his arms around him, lowering him carefully down to sit on the side of the bed. 

“Matt? Matt, are you alright?” he asked in panic as his eyes roamed over his face.

Matt shook his head slightly, but it was more like he was trying to clear it than he was answering Kelly’s question with a ‘no’. 

“What happened?” Kelly asked as he frowned at him. 

Matt blinked at him and then shrugged. 

“Just stood up too quickly that’s all,” he replied easily. “Went dizzy.”

He pushed himself up and away from Kelly’s arms, but he wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

Standing up behind him, Kelly tried to keep calm. Having an argument wouldn’t help but he couldn’t stand this: Matt still pretending he was fine, even in front of Kelly was really hurting him.

“You went dizzy?” he asked, the disbelief obvious in his voice. “Matt, you nearly passed out.”

Matt shook his head. “Don’t be so dramatic. I’m fine.”

“You keep saying that...”

“Because it’s the truth,” Matt snapped and cut him off completely. Finally, he looked up at Kelly and his face softened a little. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to...look, I know you’re just worried about me, but I’m fine...really.”

Kelly looked at him doubtfully. Matt was clearly just trying to play down what had happened - yet again - but what could he do? He couldn’t call Matt a liar: he didn’t actually know how Matt felt or what was going on inside his head, but Kelly could see through him. He knew he wasn’t being honest with him and he hated it. But what if he pushed too hard and it had the complete opposite effect and Matt told him to back off for good? 

When they’d talked and Matt had finally told him about the memory loss, Kelly had felt like they were actually making some progress, but now it just felt like they’d fallen back into the same pattern.

Kelly sighed heavily. “Okay,” he replied quietly. “I’ll go make some coffee.” He didn’t look back at Matt as he walked out of the room. But he listened carefully while he was downstairs to make sure he could hear if Matt stumbled in the bathroom or fell in the shower and he wondered how long they could go on pretending. 

***

Things seemed to settle down a little. 

Matt didn’t have any more unsteady incidents: at least, Kelly wasn’t aware of any. He didn’t seem unwell or have headaches or anything else to make Kelly worry. But he still did. He still worried and he was still watching Matt more closely than he once had. Matt was either oblivious to the extra looks in his direction or was simply ignoring them. 

When they were on shift, Matt seemed like his usual self. He was the confident lieutenant who knew his job inside and out and led his crew without issue. No-one else seemed to have noticed that there was anything wrong with Matt beneath the surface and it started to make Kelly wonder if he was worrying needlessly. 

And then the black-out happened.

Kelly walked back into the crowded room after throwing the irate man out of the back door and into the snow. His heart was still racing after the altercation: facing off against a maniac wielding a kitchen knife was enough to rattle anyone without the man’s threat echoing in his head. He scanned the frightened and shocked faces of the civilians seeking shelter in the firehouse before his eyes settled on his sister who looked understandably shaken.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked as he walked over to her, gently putting his hand on her shoulder. 

“Yeah,” she replied quickly with a nod. She looked freaked out and Kelly sympathised.

He was about to tell her not to worry, when a sudden movement to his left caught his eye and he turned to see Matt standing there staring at him with wide eyes. 

He glanced back at Katie and she gave him a knowing smile as if to tell him it was alright. And he didn’t hesitate to go to Matt. They didn’t embrace and Matt didn’t say a word - there were far too many people gathered around for them to be putting on a public display of affection. Matt simply turned and walked towards the bunk room and then into his quarters, Kelly following him. Neither of them spoke until Matt had pushed the door closed behind them and then he all-but threw himself at Kelly, pulling him into a tight hug and then leaning back to look Kelly over from head to toe, his hand resting against his cheek. 

“God, Kelly. What the hell happened?” he asked. 

“Just some thug needing throwing out. He didn’t take kindly to it,” Kelly replied simply.

Matt frowned at him. “But you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Kelly nodded. 

Suddenly Matt lunged forwards and pressed his lips against Kelly’s. His fingers moved from Kelly’s cheek into his hair and he ran his tongue across Kelly’s lips beforeslipping his tongue inside and pressing himself against Kelly more insistently. Kelly moaned low as his fingers gripped Matt’s hips tightly. He pulled back and blinked at Matt rapidly. 

“I should kick people’s asses more often,” he remarked with a grin.

“Don’t,” Matt ordered immediately. Then he looked down at Kelly’s chest, his fingers fiddling with the buttons of his shirt. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

It was so soft and Kelly almost wondered when they’d got like that. They were tough in so many ways: they had to be. They faced so much and had to be brave (and not just because they were facing danger in their work) and they had to put on a front of being unfazed. But beneath it all, they were so much more than that and both obviously afraid of losing the other. 

Kelly wished he could promise that they’d be always be together, that nothing would tear them apart, but life wasn’t simple and only mere months ago he’d nearly lost Matt. That dark thought creeping back into his mind had him tipping Matt’s head back slightly and surging forward to kiss him again. Matt clung onto him and sucked in a sharp breath through his nose as Kelly kissed him passionately. 

Eventually they parted and Kelly rested his forehead against Matt’s. 

“As much as I’d really love to continue this...”

“We’d better not get too carried away?” Matt finished for him with a smile.

“Firehouse full of people and the middle of a black-out...not exactly ideal timing,” Kelly agreed. 

“When we get home?” Matt asked. 

The way he so casually said ‘home’ and the promise of what was waiting made Kelly’s heart skip a beat. “Absolutely,” he replied. 

***

The House seemed fairly calm after that. 

Apart from when Detective Lindsey came by and warned Kelly about the possible repercussions of his incident with the man he now knew was called Vince Keeler. Kelly had wanted to shrug it off, but her insistence that he take the threat seriously made him pay attention. She wasn’t just being overly cautious obviously and it sounded like Keeler was a real piece of work. 

Kelly would be careful: he always was. He’d watch his back and he knew he could count on his family at 51 to do the same. 

He’d almost wished that Matt hadn’t been present at the discussion: he could see the worry and anger on his face. But he wouldn’t keep it from him. It wouldn’t be fair. He almost laughed to himself at the irony of that thought, but decided it was best not to dwell on it. 

Kelly had been with Matt to check the generator, grateful for the distraction and back to worrying about Matt as he fumbled around for the name of some of his tools. But one look from the other man had stopped him raising his concerns before he could even find the words. And maybe it wasn’t the right time for it anyway seeing as they were on shift and still waiting for the power to be restored and now had Keeler’s threat hanging over them. 

It hardly seemed like any time had gone by and Detective Lindsey was back at the House telling them that her informant had told her that Keeler had sent someone over to attack Kelly. She flashed a photo at them and Matt glanced up at Kelly in concern. This was real. It was dangerous. Someone was there to hurt - or maybe even kill - Kelly, and Matt looked determined to prevent anyone laying a finger on him. 

Boden was stoic as always, but Kelly could see the worry in his eyes as he ordered them to search the House without creating any unnecessary panic. 

They’d been searching for a while with no sign of Keeler’s guy. Maybe the informant had been wrong, or maybe the guy had got cold-feet when he’d seen how many potential witnesses there were at the House. 

Kelly walked out of the bathroom and saw Matt at the far end of the corridor. Their eyes met and they both shook their heads and shrugged slightly. No-one suspicious hanging around. 

Kelly turned away: he’d keep searching, but he was beginning to think it was pointless. 

And then there was a shout and a crash from somewhere behind him. Spinning on his heels, he rushed back around the corner and came to a horrified halt at the sight before him. 

Matt was in a heap on the floor. A hooded man was bent over him, his hand in the air wielding a wrench. It looked like he was about to bring it down on Matt’s skull at any moment. 

“Matt!” he yelled as he was spurred into action, running towards the pair.

Suddenly, Detective Lindsey was there: her gun pointed at Kelly’s would-be attacker as she shouted at him. There were people crowding around. The man dropped the wrench. The officers moved in.

But Kelly only had eyes for Matt. He rushed to his side immediately.

Matt’s eyes were rolling back in his head as his eyelids flickered uncontrollably. He was shaking, soft grunts falling from his lips.

“Matt?” Kelly cried desperately. “Matt! Can you hear me?”

In desperation, Kelly patted his face and Matt seemed to come around from whatever seizure had gripped him. He blinked up at Kelly in confusion before he was helped into an upright position. Slumping onto the nearby bench and pressing a hand to the back of his head, Matt squinted around at the commotion in the corridor.

“Fuck,” Kelly breathed out from his position crouching in front of Matt. He placed his hand on Matt’s knee giving it a squeeze: whether he was reassuring himself or Matt or both of them wasn’t clear. “Are you okay?”

Slowly, Matt looked back at him. “Yeah,” he said with a wry smile. “Used up another one of my nine lives.”

Kelly shook his head. Now was not the time for jokes like that. The way he was counting, Matt was using them up far too quickly. 

“Matt...you were having a fit.”

Matt frowned at him and shook his head slightly. “No...” he started but didn’t seem to know how to finish his sentence. “I’m fine. Just another bump on the head.”

“I think you need to get checked over,” Kelly argued.

“Kelly, we’d like you to come down to the district,” Detective Lindsey interrupted their conversation, obviously not realising what was going on and wanting to get her job done for the night. 

Looking up at her briefly, Kelly immediately replied, “I can’t” before he looked back at Matt. “I’ll come by tomorrow.”

A frustrated scowl appeared on Matt’s face at his words. He looked up and his eyes scanned the gathered crowd watching them: the chief, Mouch, Detective Lindsey and another officer.

“I told you, I’m fine,” he hissed at Kelly. 

It was Kelly’s turn to be annoyed. “And I told you, you should get checked out. I’m not leaving you like this.”

Matt’s eyes flicked back to the chief and then back to Kelly. He drew in a deep breath, his nostrils flaring in anger. “Look,” he said firmly. “As much as I appreciate the concern, Severide, I’m fine and I don’t need you fussing about it. Go with the cops and do what you need to do.”

Kelly’s eyes widened before he blinked rapidly at the words. It wasn’t just what Matt has said that had caught him off guard; it was the way he’d said it. It wasn’t just the dismissal that hurt; it was the fact that Matt had called him Severide and put so much emphasis on the word. It was like he was trying to hammer home the message that, in that moment, Kelly’s concern didn’t matter at all because they were just colleagues, and nothing more. 

It was Kelly’s turn to blow out a deep sigh. Clenching his jaw, he nodded his head once abruptly.

“Do you know what, Casey?” he said, stressing his last name just because he wanted Matt to know how it felt. “Have it your way.” He pushed himself to his feet and strode off down the corridor with Detective Lindsey. He didn’t look back. He pretended it didn’t matter what Matt was doing, or whether he looked surprised by Kelly’s reaction, or whether he realised he’d pissed him off. It was probably for the best that he was going down to the police station: he needed some space and some time to think anyway.

***

By the time Kelly had finished with Detective Lindsey, his shift was over and he briefly debated heading back to his own apartment instead of going over to Matt’s. But he’d eventually decided that was petty and wouldn’t actually solve any of their problems. 

And they needed to.

They couldn’t go on like they were. Kelly couldn’t keep watching Matt struggling with whatever was going on in his head. And he couldn’t keep waiting for something to happen, something else to trigger some sort of seizure or reaction from Matt. 

He was scared: scared that whatever was wrong with Matt was going to eventually take him away for good. 

He let himself in and wandered into the living room. Matt must have heard him because he appeared almost immediately in the doorway. His eyes scanned Kelly quickly, like he was checking him over. 

“Are you alright?” he asked. “Did you get on okay with the cops? Have they taken Keeler in?”

Feeling almost bewildered by Matt’s questions, Kelly shook his head and sighed heavily before sinking down onto the couch. The last twenty-four hours had been crazy: the black-out, Keeler and his threats, dealing with the police, Matt having some sort of seizure but then brushing it aside like it meant nothing. And even now Matt was acting like the only thing they had to worry about was what had happened with the police, when in reality, Kelly was more concerned about Matt and his brain injury, and the fact that someone wanted him dead didn’t even seem that much of a priority. 

He huffed out a bitter laugh: it was so fucked up.

When he looked up, Matt was watching him with concern all over his face. 

“Are you alright?” he asked again. 

Kelly just stared at him and then he shrugged. “I’m fine,” he said simply, throwing Matt’s overused reply back at him.

Matt looked doubtful. 

“You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine, you know?” he told him. “You’re bound to be feeling on edge about what’s happened.”

The irony of Matt’s words wasn’t lost on Kelly. He blew out a frustrated breath. “You mean, I can talk to you about what’s going on?” 

Matt frowned at him. “Of course you can.”

Kelly nodded, chewing on the inside on his cheek as he did so. “So, we talk about how we feel and what’s wrong with us then? Is that how this works?” He could feel himself getting more and more fired up, but he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to. He’d had enough.

Matt looked a little puzzled but it was obvious he could tell that Kelly was angry about something. 

“What’s going on? Has something happened?” he asked.

Suddenly, Kelly was on his feet again. He glared at Matt for a moment.

“Oh no, everything’s fine,” he replied sarcastically. “Isn’t that what you want to hear? Isn’t that what you tell me constantly?”

“Kelly...”

“No,” Kelly cut him off. “Are you worried about me?” He couldn’t keep track of his own racing thoughts and the words that were suddenly spilling out of him so he knew Matt would be struggling to keep up. 

“What?” Matt asked in surprise. “Of course I am. You must be freaked out after what’s happened. It’s okay to be worried about Keeler, you know.”

“How can I be worried about him?” Kelly asked angrily. “I don’t have the energy to worry about what he might do.”

“It’s going to be alright,” Matt told him carefully.

“Stop saying things like that!” Kelly snapped at him. “Stop lying to me.”

“I’m not,” Matt tried to argue.

“Yes...you are.” Kelly felt like he’d ran out of steam suddenly and he sank down onto the couch wearily. “Every time you tell me you’re fine or you pretend there’s nothing wrong, you’re lying to me. I don’t think you even realise you’re doing it anymore. I thought we’d got past it: I thought you trusted me enough to tell me what was really going on. But you don’t.”

He looked up at Matt sadly and felt his heart ache. “Today, when that guy hit you, you fell and you had a seizure.”

Matt opened his mouth to speak but Kelly held up his hand and shook his head, knowing that Matt was going to argue, probably going to say it was fine. 

“You’re going to deny it. You’re going to tell me it doesn’t matter, that you’re fine. But it does matter and you’re not fine. When I came round the corner and saw you lying on the floor...god, I was so scared. And then I realised you were shaking and your eyes had rolled back in your head and I thought...I thought you were dying. For just a moment, I thought I was going to lose you.” He swallowed thickly before he could continue. “And then when you came round, you just pushed me away, told me to go, did exactly what you’ve been doing for months. And I can’t stand it anymore.”

Matt just gaped at him. It was like he didn’t know how to react to Kelly’s emotional outburst. He probably didn’t. They weren’t exactly good at talking about how they felt: they’d proven that enough in the past. 

“You need to go to the hospital and get checked over,” Kelly said.

Matt shook his head. “There’s nothing to worry about. I had a bit of a knock - that’s all.”

“No,” Kelly argued. “You got hit on the head and had a seizure. You’re still forgetting stuff and you’ve lost whole days. Your mood has been all over the place. You might think it’s nothing, or that’s what you’re trying to pretend, but you need to go and see your doctor and tell her everything that’s been going on because there’s something wrong with you.” 

He knew it was blunt, maybe even harsh, but he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Matt might be willing to pretend, but Kelly wasn’t - not anymore. 

Matt looked a little defeated. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. He lifted his hands and then let them drop down to his sides. 

“Okay,” he finally said quietly. “I’ll go and see my specialist. But I really don’t think it’s necessary. I’m sure she’ll just tell me there’s nothing to worry about.”

Kelly could hardly believe Matt had agreed. He didn’t want to do or say anything that would make him change his mind. “Okay. Thank you. And if she tells you there’s nothing to worry about...well, then that’s a result, isn’t it?”

Rolling his eyes a little and shaking his head slightly, Matt turned and wandered back into the kitchen, calling something out about making them something to eat. He didn’t notice the way Kelly released a long breath in relief or the way his shoulders slumped as some of the tension he felt was released. 

***

The following morning, Matt was up and out of bed before Kelly had woken. That was fairly unusual and when Kelly made his way downstairs he could just tell that Matt was anxious by the look on his face and the way he was holding himself more rigidly than normal. 

He’d made an appointment with his doctor the previous day and had been a bit taken aback by how quickly she’d insisted he came in. Apparently, doctors didn’t think it was a good idea to wait around where head injuries were concerned: Kelly could agree with that. 

As soon as the appointment had been made, Matt had been quiet and, if he had spoken, it was snappy and curt and, without saying as much, he was obviously blaming Kelly for making him go to the hospital. 

Kelly walked up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist as he stood staring out of the kitchen window. Pressing his nose against Matt’s shoulder, he drew in a deep breath.

“Alright?” he asked quietly. 

He could feel the tension in Matt’s body as he held him.

“Fine,” Matt replied bluntly, but he didn’t pull out of Kelly’s hold which was a bonus.

“It’s okay to be worried,” Kelly murmured. 

“I’m not,” Matt told him. “It’s no big deal.”

Finally he did shrug away from Kelly and occupied himself with making them a cup of coffee each. “How did you sleep? How are you feeling about all the Keeler stuff?”

Kelly frowned at him. “I’ve got more important things to worry about right now.”

“More important than a psycho being pissed at you?” 

“Stop trying to change the subject. And stop trying to pretend you’re okay,” Kelly said. 

“But I am,” Matt insisted.

“Stop lying to me,” Kelly replied. 

He didn’t know about Matt but he was getting a headache - the constant fighting and battling against Matt’s stubbornness, the repetitive discussion when he felt like he was communicating with a brick wall was exhausting. 

He rubbed the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. 

“I’m scared for you,” he admitted quietly. “I nearly lost you once...I’m not doing it again.” 

There was silence and Kelly was shocked to look up and find Matt staring at him with wide eyes. 

Sighing heavily, Kelly continued. “I know you’re pissed at me for making you go to the hospital, but I can’t sit back and watch as you pretend everything is fine. I love you too much to do that and it’s not fair of you to expect me to. So you can be pissed at me all you want...” he trailed off when he realised Matt was blinking at him in what looked like surprise.

“You...you love me?” Matt asked. 

“What?” Kelly said in confusion.

“You said...you said you love me.” 

Kelly thought back over what he’d just admitted and realised that he had indeed told Matt he loved him. And it was true. But he also realised he’d never said the words out loud before. Maybe he’d been too afraid to. Or maybe he’d just assumed that Matt just knew. 

“Of course I love you,” he announced. He was tired of being worried about what those words meant. He was tired of keeping those feelings inside his heart instead of just telling Matt the truth. “I love you,” he repeated, looking into Matt’s eyes so he could see that he really meant it. 

Matt’s face softened and the corner of his mouth quirked, pulling his lips into a smile. He closed the distance between them and stood in front of Kelly gazing at him. His hand lifted and he cupped the side of Kelly’s face, his thumb smoothing over his cheekbone. 

“I love you too,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain recently.”

Kelly huffed out a tiny laugh, both at the declaration of love and the words that followed it. At least Matt seemed to realise what he was doing to Kelly. 

Matt leant in and pressed his lips to Kelly’s, pulling him closer with a hand wrapped around the back of his head. 

Kelly moaned into the kiss as Matt pushed his thigh between his own, pressing their bodies closer than before, but then he pulled back and shook his head.

“As much as I’d like to continue with this, we need to go,” he muttered.

“Go?” Matt asked. He sounded a bit out of it and he pressed his lips to Kelly’s neck causing him to shudder. 

Pushing Matt away with his hands on his upper arms, Kelly shook his head. “To the hospital,” he said. 

Matt rolled his eyes and stepped away. “Really?” he grumbled. 

“Yes,” Kelly told him forcefully. “Let me just go grab my jacket.”

“Why?” Matt asked. “Where are you going?”

It was Kelly’s turn to roll his eyes. “The hospital,” he said.

“You don’t need to come with me,” Matt told him with a shrug. 

He was obviously back to pretending everything was fine.

Kelly huffed and threw his hands up in frustration. “I’m coming with you,” he said simply.

Matt’s eyes narrowed a little. “Why? Because you don’t think I’ll actually go to my appointment?”

The words were a bit mean and certainly uncalled for, but Kelly knew that Matt was just anxious and scared about what he was going to hear at the hospital.

“No,” he replied calmly. “I’m going with you because I want to make sure you’re okay. Because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. Stop fighting me every step of the way.”

Matt blinked at him and then nodded slowly. “Sorry,” he said quietly. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Kelly told him. “Just let me be there for you.”

Matt nodded and tried for a smile. 

Kelly returned the gesture and went to get his jacket. They could do this. They were going to get through whatever lay ahead.

***

Matt stormed out of the hospital and into the parking lot. Then he stomped over to his truck and stood beside it, arms folded across his chest, jaw clenched. When Kelly caught up with him, he could see that he was shaking.

The doctor had given Matt a thorough examination. She’d asked question after question and written so many notes. They’d scanned his brain and she’d gone over the results in meticulous detail. Then she’d sat Matt down in front of her desk and told him that his headaches and mood swings were normal, to be expected after such someone had suffered a traumatic brain injury like he had. She didn’t even seem overly concerned about his memory loss.

Kelly had listened to every word and felt the knot on his stomach unclenching a little. Matt had even smiled across at him as if to say, ‘see, I told you I’m okay.”

But then she’d frowned and the discussion had changed. She’d told him how his seizure was concerning and how the blow to the head shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. She’d talked about the dangers of further head injuries, how his skull and brain were severely compromised, and the possibility of considering not being a firefighter anymore and the fact that Matt needed to seriously consider the risks. 

Matt’s face had been almost blank as he’d listened to her. Kelly had wanted to reach out and squeeze his hand but he just knew that Matt wouldn’t appreciate it in that moment. 

It had been almost eerie watching Matt politely thank the doctor before walking out of her office. Then a switch had been flipped and Matt had slammed his way through the hospital and outside, with Kelly trailing in his wake. 

Kelly waited. He knew Matt was struggling with the potentially devastating information he’d been given. 

“This is bullshit,” Matt eventually erupted. “It’s...whatever she said...it’s wrong. I’m fine.”

Kelly’s heart hurt for him. Hearing the denial of the facts and hearing Matt yet again proclaim that he was absolutely fine was awful to witness. 

“But...you’re not, are you?” he said gently. “You’ve known for a while that things weren’t right, that this injury has affected you more than you wanted to let on. You need to listen to the doctor, Matt.”

“What and just give up on my career? Leave my job? I can’t...fuck...this is bullshit,” he repeated. 

“You heard what she said, Matt. This isn’t just going to go away.”

Matt shook his head and glared at Kelly. “I’m not doing this,” he said angrily. “I’m going home.” 

He turned and climbed into his truck and Kelly jogged around to the other side fearing that Matt might just drive off and abandon him in the parking lot seeing as he was in such a state. 

The drive back had been torturous. Matt hadn’t spoken a word, just stared straight ahead, his hands clenching the steering wheel tightly. His jaw was clenched equally as tightly. 

Kelly didn’t speak either. He didn’t know what to say, but knew it was better to let Matt go over it in his own head first. 

When they arrived back at Matt’s, they walked inside and still neither of them said a word as they took off their shoes and jackets. 

Eventually, Matt sat down on the couch and sighed heavily. 

“I can’t believe this,” he said. “Maybe...maybe she’s wrong.”

Kelly slowly lowered himself down onto the couch beside him. He took Matt’s hand in his own and squeezed his fingers. 

“Matt...I’d love it if she was. But...I don’t think we can pretend anymore. I know you don’t want to accept it, but...you need to think about the future.”

“The future?” Matt asked angrily. “What future? If I have to give up being a firefighter, what else is there?”

“Your whole life,” Kelly argued. “Being a firefighter isn’t the only thing you have. You could get seriously hurt. You could die if you get hit again.”

In sheer frustration, Matt shook his head. “So what would you do? If you were me?”

Kelly looked at him sympathetically. 

“No,” Matt stared at him. “What did you do? When it was your neck. What did you do? Did you give up when you were told to?”

“That’s not fair,” Kelly replied angrily, releasing Matt’s hand. “Don’t throw that in my face.”

Matt glared at him for a long moment and then his face crumpled. Leaning forward, he pressed his face into his hands. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. His voice sounded broken. “I’m sorry, Kelly.”

Kelly reached for him and pulled him into a tight embrace. 

“You’ve put up with so much. I’ve put you through so much. I’m sorry,” he repeated. Then after a long moment of silence, he spoke again, so quietly that Kelly almost missed it. “Kelly...I’m scared.” 

Kelly rubbed Matt’s back and then gently pushed him backwards. 

“I know,” he said quietly. “So am I.”

Matt blinked at him, the concern and fear and love he felt for Kelly clear on his face. 

“But listen to me, whatever happens, whatever you decide to do or whatever is going on in there.” He lifted his hand and gently stroked through the hair at the side of Matt’s head. “We can get through anything. We’ll do it together. I’m going to be with you, no matter what - if you want me.”

“Of course I do,” Matt said quietly. 

“But you’ve got to let me help you sometimes. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel or what you want to do. Don’t shut me out and don’t try to deal with everything on your own. Because you don’t need to. I’m with you.”

Matt nodded once and leant into the hand still holding his head. “I know.”

“We can get through this, Matt. We can get through anything - together.”

A tiny smile appeared on Matt’s face. Maybe there was hope after all. 

“Stay with me, Kelly,” he whispered.

Kelly leant forward and pressed his forehead against Matt’s. “Always.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve decided to leave this here, hopefully on a mostly hopeful note. The show never really satisfied me with what happened with Casey’s injury so I’m not really sure where else I can go with this now.  
> Let’s just imagine, Casey and Severide support one another and Matt finds a way to remain at 51 with his boyfriend by his side (despite the injury). Also, they obviously deal with everything because they’re still together in my other Sevasey fic ‘Leap of Faith’ which I like to think is a future snapshot of their lives together.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback would be great! Did you enjoy this chapter? Let me know! 
> 
> I’m snarfettelove on tumblr if you want to say hi over there!


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